Monday, October 27, 2014

Uncomfortable Topics

My blog has always been pretty light content wise.  I tend not to discuss heavy or controversial topics.  I think this does me a disservice because I have no place to vent.  On that note, I have uncomfortable things to share.

It's been a very rough couple of months in our household.  Between my depression, money and husband issues, it's been hard.  Very hard.

Our past spending and a very large amount of medical bills have been knocking on our door.  So much so that I have been consumed with worry about how I was going to pay them.  Finally, after much discussion with Jason, we decided to bite the bullet and just consolidate them.  My credit is terrible right now, and one other "hit" on my credit report can't hurt right?  Rather than spending $1500 a month - which is more than our mortgage payment and something I simply cannot afford, we have an affordable plan to pay off debt.

The above has been the biggest source of worry for me.  I tend not to share my worry with Jason or anyone really, so I have been internalizing it.  Which guess what?  Leads to anxiety and depression.  I have been in therapy since July and it is helping immensely.  I talk about my problem with low self-esteem, money worries, worrying about being a good parent, and feeling the burden of doing it all.

I have been doing it all and it takes a toll.  Between working 45 hours a week, doing all the housework, school drop offs and pick ups, and cooking, I am spent.  Jason is a stay-at-home dad but he isn't really the cleaning or cooking type.  This needs to change.  I absolutely cannot continue to do it all.  My health is suffering.  The relationship with my children and husband is suffering.  I will be having a talk with him about helping more.  I don't expect miracles or him to move mountains, but it would be really nice if he could clean up a little and perhaps do some of the school drop offs once in a while.

Speaking of Jason, I think he is depressed. He will deny it every time, but something is wrong.  He has been struggling with low testosterone for a couple of years and it's..........not good.  He refuses to see a doctor which is so incredibly frustrating.  He is afraid the doctor is going to tell him he's fat.  Well so what?  Wouldn't you rather have a physical and be uncomfortable for an hour rather than have the worry about dropping dead and leaving your family?  That seems dramatic, but it's true.  Diabetes, heart disease and other problems run in his family.  He has terrible sleep apnea from being overweight which leads to him falling asleep in random places at random times.  He needs help.  I can't force him to go to the doctor (I have tried).  The next step would be to threaten divorce but I am not that type of person. I can't do it.

It's been rough.  It will get better but at the moment, it seems insurmountable.

Sorry for the word vomit.  But I need somewhere I can talk about this.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Knitting Projects

I have been making and finishing tons of projects lately in anticipation of Christmas.  I am more than halfway done and with only 12 weeks or less to complete, I better hurry up!

I have made several of the hat below.  Several meaning 6 and I still have 1 more to make.  This particular hat is for my cousin's daughter.  She requested this hat in a pink and purple blend.  I think I nailed it with the yarn!

Yarn credit:  Malabrigo worsted in Brisa
Pattern credit:  Audrey Hat by Nancy Ricci (modified to fit a smaller size)

I wanted to make myself a cardigan sweater that was big and comfy and would be great for colder weather.  I think I succeeded!  I shopped around for yarn because I didn't want to pay $200 for yarn.  I found some yarn on KnitPicks.  It worked great!  Next time, I am going to splurge and buy more expensive yarn but not until I get to my goal weight.

I look pregnant in the picture.  I assure you I am not.  Just fat folks.

Yarn credit:  KnitPicks Brava worsted in Peacock
Pattern credit:  Effortless Cardigan by Hannah Fettig

I wish this next hat was more clear in regards to the color.  The color is stunning.  The yarn itself was amazing to work with.  Super soft and easy to use.  I find it makes a difference when you use a quality yarn.

Yarn credit:  Madelinetosh Tosh Vintage in Cousteau
Pattern credit:  Spiralini Hat by Jane Tanner

These next hats are Christmas gifts for my nephews.  I hope they like them!

Yarn credit:  KnitPicks Brava Worsted in Black, Grass and Silver
Pattern credit:  Knitted Critters for Kids to Wear by Jean Adel

Isn't this little sock adorable?  Baby socks are so fun because they knit up so fast and use minimal yarn.  I always save my sock yarn and can whip up a pair of wee socks in 2 hours.

Yarn credit:  Blue Moon Fiber Arts Socks that Rock
Pattern:  Modified and made by me : )

Socks are so much fun to knit.  I don't know what it is about them.  Maybe the yarn I choose just makes me so happy?  Every time I finish a pair of socks, I just marvel at how cool they are.  I could seriously knit just socks for the rest of my life and be happy.

Yarn credit:  Blue Moon Fiber Arts Socks that Rock in Peridot and Periwinkle
Pattern Credit:  Knitting Socks by Ann Budd

Finally, I am working on a sweater for my mom for Christmas.  I love how it's working up so far.  I keep picking it up and putting it down because I am in the boring part right now.  It's the knitting of the body and you knit continuously for 22 inches.  It gets a little tedious.

The yarn is much more purple than the picture appears.

Yarn credit:  KnitPicks Brava Worsted in Mulberry
Pattern credit:  Neckdown Pullover Tunic by Knitting Pure and Simple

I will post again when I complete a few more projects!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Back To School

It's that time of the year!  Both of my boys are in school this year.  Jack is in his third year with the same teacher, and Cal's first year at pre-school (it's actually called play-school but I digress).

Jack's first day went off without a hitch.  He loves school so he was looking forward to going back.  He attends school Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 12:00 to 2:45.  This was not an ideal time, but we didn't have much to choose from.  It was either that time block or every day in the morning for 2 hours.  This means that Jack doesn't get a nap anymore most days during the week.  We were expecting a disaster situation with no nap, but he surprised us and it's going well.  This also means that the boys don't have "Nana Day" on Friday.  Instead, they go on Thursday after Cal gets out of school.

He is nearly impossible to get pictures of, so this will have to do:

Cal goes to school on Tuesday and Thursday morning from 9:00 to 10:30.  His first week was rough.  He cried a bit at drop off and kept saying "I don't want to go to school".  After the second week, drop off was just fine.

Now Calvin exclaims "I love school!".  He even painted the other day!  He has a fear of getting his hands covered with paint so this is a big step.

Our schedules are still a little crazy but I am sure that once October comes to a close, we will be in the swing of things.