My blog has always been pretty light content wise. I tend not to discuss heavy or controversial topics. I think this does me a disservice because I have no place to vent. On that note, I have uncomfortable things to share.
It's been a very rough couple of months in our household. Between my depression, money and husband issues, it's been hard. Very hard.
Our past spending and a very large amount of medical bills have been knocking on our door. So much so that I have been consumed with worry about how I was going to pay them. Finally, after much discussion with Jason, we decided to bite the bullet and just consolidate them. My credit is terrible right now, and one other "hit" on my credit report can't hurt right? Rather than spending $1500 a month - which is more than our mortgage payment and something I simply cannot afford, we have an affordable plan to pay off debt.
The above has been the biggest source of worry for me. I tend not to share my worry with Jason or anyone really, so I have been internalizing it. Which guess what? Leads to anxiety and depression. I have been in therapy since July and it is helping immensely. I talk about my problem with low self-esteem, money worries, worrying about being a good parent, and feeling the burden of doing it all.
I have been doing it all and it takes a toll. Between working 45 hours a week, doing all the housework, school drop offs and pick ups, and cooking, I am spent. Jason is a stay-at-home dad but he isn't really the cleaning or cooking type. This needs to change. I absolutely cannot continue to do it all. My health is suffering. The relationship with my children and husband is suffering. I will be having a talk with him about helping more. I don't expect miracles or him to move mountains, but it would be really nice if he could clean up a little and perhaps do some of the school drop offs once in a while.
Speaking of Jason, I think he is depressed. He will deny it every time, but something is wrong. He has been struggling with low testosterone for a couple of years and it's..........not good. He refuses to see a doctor which is so incredibly frustrating. He is afraid the doctor is going to tell him he's fat. Well so what? Wouldn't you rather have a physical and be uncomfortable for an hour rather than have the worry about dropping dead and leaving your family? That seems dramatic, but it's true. Diabetes, heart disease and other problems run in his family. He has terrible sleep apnea from being overweight which leads to him falling asleep in random places at random times. He needs help. I can't force him to go to the doctor (I have tried). The next step would be to threaten divorce but I am not that type of person. I can't do it.
It's been rough. It will get better but at the moment, it seems insurmountable.
Sorry for the word vomit. But I need somewhere I can talk about this.