Wednesday, April 28, 2010

So Much for That

One of my previous posts was about Jack's reflux getting better. I think I jinxed it. He was better for a few days, but this week, his reflux came back again but only this time, it seems worse.

Dr. D prescribed Prevacid for him and we start it tomorrow morning. She also said that Jack probably seemed fine for a couple of days because he was used to no medicine, so that temporarily helped. However, he became almost immune to it which happens sometimes.

On Monday, we noticed that he seemed gassy and uncomfortable again. He was crying more than normal, wasn't sleeping well and had a fussy time from 6-8 like before. He arched during feedings.

Over the next couple of days, he started spitting up. My baby doesn't spit up hardly ever so it's a little alarming when he does it every day. Last night, Jason had him on the couch and he projectile vomited all the way across the couch. He has never had spit up like that before.

I really hope this medication works. I am so tired of feeling awful for my baby. I feel awful that there's nothing I can do to help him or make him feel better. I feel useless. He must feel ten times worse.

On a good note, we are leaving for the beach on Friday. Jason, Jack and I are staying at a B&B that we frequent. Jason and I got engaged there, spent our first anniversary and have gone for several other occasions. It will be Jack's first out of town trip!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Attract Crazies

Today, I am already emotional. Jack's reflux is acting up, he isn't napping and he is in pain. I just want to cry.

I needed to go to Target for some diapers and I about had a nervous breakdown. First off, he got really upset when I turned the car off. He doesn't usually do that. I had to sit in the backseat, take him out of his carseat and calm him down. Poor little man. He was just so tired that he fell asleep in my arms. I put him back in his seat and we were on our way.

Since he was napping, I took my time at Target. It was quiet in there and I wanted to just enjoy my stroll.

I bought some of those pre-made formula bottles. Jack hasn't gotten formula before (although I have been tempted many a time due to all our issues) but I wanted to get these for an emergency situation. We are going on a long plane ride in two weeks and in case my supply tanks or I am not able to pump for some unforseen reason, I wanted to be prepared. Nothing wrong with planning for emergencies right?

As I was leaving the aisle, this woman looks at extremely sad and says "Formula isn't good for babies you know".

How do you even respond to something like that? She doesn't know my situation or all the struggles we have had. She doesn't know that I was buying them for a plane ride and most likely won't be using them anyways. SHE SHOULD MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.

I said nothing. I just walked away. Later, when I got to the car, the stress of the day got to me and I cried.

There is nothing wrong with formula feeding your baby. And how dare a stranger try to suggest that there is. The fact that I am feeding my baby is the most important thing. It doesn't matter how I am feeding him.

I am trying not to be bothered by this, but I truly am. Why would a stranger feel the need to comment about my parenting? F you lady at Target.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Reflux Update

Tonight marks the fourth night that Jack has gotten his baby Zantac and I am happy to report that it seems to be working!

He hasn't been fussing or arching during feedings like he normally does. I wouldn't say that he's a completely different baby, but he is certainly better.

I am still having a hard time getting him to breastfeed, but that's okay. I am still trying and he's still trying and that's all we both can do.

Praise God! My poor little guy seems to finally be feeling better.

Now if we can just get him to go longer than an hour between feedings, life would be heaven.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

No Touchie!

Today I took the wee one to the mall so mommy could have some retail therapy. I was on the lookout for some jeans that didn't emphasize the flappy belly I now have. I also just like getting out of the house every day. It keeps me sane.

The mall wasn't very busy, which was nice. I started out our trip with a visit to my favorite place on earth, Starbucks. While waiting for my coffee, some weirdo decided she wanted to get very very close to Jack and his stroller.

"Oh what an adorable baby! How old is he?". I tell her and she then proceeds to start to touch him.

Oh no you didn't!

"Excuse me, do I know you?" I ask. She says no. So I say "Please don't touch my baby then since I don't know you". I think she was a little miffed, but whatever. For all I know, she could have rabies or some weird communicable disease. My mama bear instinct definitely came out.

Our shopping trip was a success other than that bizarre incident. We visited Auntie Carrie at work, I found new jeans (on sale actually) and some other fun things.

You know what is the best though? Just how many people commented on how cute Jack was. It makes me feel good knowing that we made such a cute baby. Good for the ego you know? It's even cuter when teenage boys comment. I stopped counting, but I think there had to be 10 different people that said how sweet/cute/adorable/gorgeous he was.

That's nice, but just don't touch him.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Some answers! Last Friday, in a last ditch effort, I saw my fourth lactation consultant. I was referred by my pediatrician surprisingly, after the pedi listened to my issues about Jack and his gas. I thought maybe he was so gassy because of his latch. I went to the lactation consultant to either confirm or deny.

At the visit, Jack nursed beautifully (for him). He nursed for 8 minutes with a little prodding. This is twice as long as he usually goes before he starts to cry. On cue, at 8 minutes, he started arching and crying, so I burped him. The lactation consultant said his latch was great and that he wasn't sucking air. She suspected that Jack has reflux. My homework for the weekend was to keep trying with breastfeeding and not to pump so that he could get all the milk and no bottles. Well, that is easier said then done.

I tried nursing him a few times this weekend, but that was an epic disaster. He cried and screamed and clawed at my chest most times I tried. That makes me feel so terrible so I usually just give him bottles of pumped milk. It is less heartbreaking for the both of us this way.

Today, we went to the pediatrician to be evaluated for reflux. Jack doesn't spit up and doesn't have a slow weight gain, but he does have lots of other symptoms. For example:

* Gas and hiccups all day and uncontrollably
* Arching and crying during or after feeding
* Eating often and small amounts (Jack typically eats every hour)
* Making a face like he has a bad taste in his mouth
* Poor sleep habits (he hardly naps)

I was extremely impressed with both my pediatrician and the LC. The LC actually called my pedi after my appointment on Friday and told her that she is concerned and that she wanted Dr. D to see us for a possible issue with reflux. Can you believe that? I am impressed with Dr. D because she listens to me. I have been saying something is wrong with the wee one since he was born. Whether it be gas, a milk allergy, or reflux, something is wrong. Nobody seems to want to listen. She did. She is so kind and does not make you feel stupid at all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

She confirmed that since we have ruled out everything else and that we have seen several different LC's and chatted about this before, she is comfortable giving Jack the reflux diagnosis. She also told me that she is not quick to give babies medication unless the situation warrants it. Jack's situation does.

Tonight, I gave my poor baby his first does of baby Zantac. I pray that it works and that he starts to feel better. The poor little guy was hurting tonight. I had to almost force feed him. He hadn't eaten very much tonight so I swaddled him, gave him some bottle and then made sure he was well burped before he went to bed.

Please work medicine, please! I want my poor little guy to regain some of the 2.5 months he has lived in pain. I also hope that this will help him go longer between feedings and maybe he will want to nurse more.

Finally some answers!

Friday, April 16, 2010

You Know You are a Mom


* You leave the house with spit up on your jeans knowingly, and you don't care. It will dry after all.

* You cry at stories on the news about children being harmed.

* Your dinner consists of cereal or something like animal crackers because eating before 9:00 is nearly impossible. Or, you need food that is edible with one hand while the other holds a crying baby.

* You plan your outings/errands/appointments around feeding times so you don't have to worry about the baby waking up screaming in public.

* You are constantly listening with at least one ear while bathing, going to the bathroom, or doing dishes for the sound of a crying baby. You have super-sonic hearing now too.

* You buy baby products that you SWORE you never would because they make your baby comfortable. Bottle warmer or special swaddle blankets anyone?

But in the end, it all comes down to this little guy:

It doesn't matter if you haven't eaten in hours, gone to the bathroom or even showered. As long as he's happy, life is GOOD!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Nobody is Listening!

It is no secret that the wee one is very gassy and has his "time" during the day. It is from 6:00 to 8:00pm every night. Like clock work. It's almost like the baby thieves come to my house and replace Jack with another baby that looks identical to him but is very very cranky.

I am very aware that he is fussy. I never assumed it was colic, although he fits all the symptoms and signs. He doesn't scream for hours on end so I brushed off the thought of colic. However, I can't deny it anymore. My kid has colic, even if he doesn't scream.

During this time, I literally cannot put him down. If I do, screaming and crying ensue. I have to bounce, rock, pat, burp, and snuggle with him. Tonight, I couldn't even get my shirt back on after our bath. As soon as I got his diaper on, he started fussing. I threw my sports bra on and called it good. So for the next hour, I had a drooling, cranky, sweaty baby smashed up against me. Don't get me wrong, it's fine. I actually like the sweaty snuggles.

Mama can't eat dinner. This would require me to put Jack down which cannot happen. I either eat before 6:00 if this is possible (which it's usually not) or after 9:00 when he goes down for bed.

The purpose of my post was to vent about the doctor. Jack's fussy time has gotten much worse over the past few days. So bad that he's now fussy almost the entire day. He has bad gas anyways so this doesn't help. For the past three days, I have had to help him poop and fart by pumping his legs. He won't eat more than about 2 ounces at a time from his bottle and he eats every 90 minutes or so. He also won't nap very well.

I called the on-call pediatrician tonight thinking that maybe this wasn't his regular fussiness and maybe there was something actually wrong.

I have never felt so incredibly stupid or demeaned in my entire life. She made me feel like a complete moron.

She insisted that it was just colic and that lots of moms go through it. Also, she kept saying that by 8 weeks it should start to get better. Okay folks, Jack is 10 weeks. It's getting WORSE not BETTER. The pedi didn't understand this. She also "reminded" me that when babies are Jack's age, they are still relatively tired most of the day.

"If he goes more than 2 hours of being awake, he needs to sleep". Okay lady, let me just flip that switch and maybe he will magically sleep. It doesn't work that way. She also suggested that his eating every 90 minutes could be corrected. She told me to hold off on his feedings until he reaches 3 hours.

Let me explain: Jack fills up with gas during his feedings. Even during breastfeeding, he gets so much air. As a result, he only gets a couple of ounces. That also means that when he gets burped and all the air finally resolves itself, he is hungry again. That usually is every hour to 90 minutes. I am absolutely not going to try and make him wait another 2 hours if he's hungry. That is just cruel and mean.

I really felt like the doctor wasn't listening to me. Something is wrong with my son. Even if it's just severe gas, something is wrong. Nothing works and she was telling me really lame things like "Well try gas drops". Gee, I never would have thought of that?!

I just want my baby to feel better. I miss him being happy and smiley during the day. Now, he's cranky, uncomfortable and just generally grumpy.

I want someone to listen and tell me that it gets better. Does it get better?

Monday, April 12, 2010

A Day Away

On Saturday, the wee one went over to my in-laws for the day. My mother-in-law, God bless her, offered to take Jack a few days back. She knows how stressed I have been about getting my senior paper done for school, among other things. She understands how it's hard to get anything done around the house when you have a baby that consumes pretty much your every waking moment.

I was hesitant to leave him all day, but I knew he would be in good hands. Lynn is wonderful with him and she loves to spend time with him.

Jack left the house at 10:45 and I quickly grabbed a bite to eat and then took a very long, luxurious shower. I shaved things that haven't been shaved in weeks. I took time to lather and wash my hair. It was heaven. I even put on makeup and blow-dried my hair. I usually let it air dry since the blowdryer is not high on my priority list these days.

After my lovely shower, I drove to Starbucks, grabbed a highly fattening beverage plus a cookie for later (hey, I am breastfeeding, back off!). Then I stood in line forever at the blasted post office. Seriously, that took so much of my afternoon that I have to mention it.

The husband and I went appliance shopping in the afternoon and then to Best Buy. Then guess what we did? We had a sit-down meal. Together. Without the baby. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was very much enjoyed. It's been a long time since Jason and I had some quality alone time. Yes, it was spent running errands, but it was still awesome.

We ended up picking up Jack at 6:00. He did great for Nana Lynn. He wasn't fussy at all and even was a good boy and took a couple of naps!

So the original intent of Jack spending the day away was for me to work on my paper. Did I? Nope. Oh well. At least I enjoyed my day. I can do my paper some other time. Having ME time is more important than graduating. I am only slightly kidding.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Wishy Washy

That's me! Of course, this is yet another post about breastfeeding. Clearly, the horse isn't dead yet.

Late last week I decided that I was going to exclusively pump and give Jack breastmilk bottles. I got to the end of my rope and with all the issues we have had, I thought it was for the best. Yeah, I changed my mind. See what I mean about wishy washy?

On Friday, I am going back to the lactation clinic. I am bound and determined to make breastfeeding work. Jack sucks so much air while he eats, which makes feeding difficult. He eats anywhere from every hour to hour and a half. But the thing is, he only eats for about 5 minutes. Usually, it is closer to three. He gets so incredibly gassy that he thinks he's full. I talked to his pediatrician about the gassiness issue yesterday and she thinks it could be an issue with his feeding (DUH!).

Maybe it's just a bad latch? Maybe it's the position I am holding him? At any rate, I am going to conquer this mountain. I want breastfeeding to work. For many reasons, some of them selfish. I want that closeness that you get while nursing. It's convenient, cheap, and let's face it, I can eat whatever I want (within reason). Nursing burns so many calories and for someone that LOVES to eat, this is important. Plus, I am not a failure and I will be damned if I fail at this. It's almost like a competition at this point. Me versus breastfeeding. I WILL WIN!

I successfully nursed Jack twice yesterday and once today. Granted, it was only for a few minutes each time, but I still did it. I am still dealing with supply issues, but if I am only nursing for a couple of minutes, this shouldn't be a huge deal. I have a prescription for Domperidone, so hopefully that helps my supply.

Friday, here I come! This will work. It has to. But if for some reason it doesn't, I will not die. I can always pump. And if pumping doesn't work, I will go the formula route. I am okay with that. Really, I am. I have been so close to giving up numerous times that I have gotten used to the idea.

If you are the praying type, I could use all the prayers you have got. Thank you!

2 Month Appointment

Jack had his two month appointment yesterday (where has the time gone?) and he did great! I was nervous because right after his appointment, I had to go to class. That meant that whoever was watching him would have to soothe him if he was hurting.

The pediatrician was running late, so after Jack was weighed and measured, we had to wait for a while. I felt bad about this because he was only in a diaper and cold. Even though he had a blanket on and I was snuggling him, he was getting cranky.

Jack weighs 12.1 pounds (50th percentile) and is 23.25 inches long (94th percentile). We are going to have a tall little dude! He grew almost 3 inches in the last 6 weeks alone. I have been concerned about his weight gain. In the beginning, he gained like crazy, but now it's leveling off. This makes me wonder if he's getting enough to eat. The pedi wasn't concerned, so I will try not to be also.

The time came for his shots. He got one oral medication and then the nurse gave the wee one three shots. I was holding his feet down and even though the nurse said not to look in his eyes, I did. He did great! He didn't cry until he realized I was holding him down. Then he let out one angry scream and it was over. I picked him up and he was fine! He even fell asleep in the car on the way to Nana's house.

During class, I called Nana to see how Jack was doing. I could hear him on the phone and he wasn't happy. It was his fussy time, but I could tell it wasn't his usual cry. He was hurting, poor baby! He got some Tylenol and then was much better. He slept most of the night even after I picked him up.

Fast forward to this morning. I was sleeping while Jason was watching Jack. I planned on sleeping until about 6:00 am but I woke up sooner. I could hear Jack crying and it was a very distressed cry. Jason was changing him and his poor little legs hurt. I felt awful. I went into his room and cried along with my baby while Daddy tried zipping his sleeper back up. Besides being in pain, he was awfully hungry too.

It's now 7:45 and he's sleeping again. He got another dose of Tylenol so he should feel okay for a while. I am not looking forward to this day. I hate when my baby is uncomfortable. I hope I can get a second cup of coffee in me so I am alert and ready to face my sore baby.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I have been caught up in a lot of weird emotions lately. Mostly, I am jealous. Why you ask? Because I am feeling like a big fat failure when it comes to being a mom. So I am jealous of all the moms out there that aren't big fat failures.


I envy women who don't have issues breastfeeding. I have had plenty. Undersupply, oversupply, baby not being able to latch, having to use a nipple shield for a month, having a baby that is so gassy from sucking in air while nursing. I could keep going. So when I see women that have no issues, I am jealous. At church on Easter, there was a baby that was nursing. The mom was nursing right in the front row. Even if I had no issues with supply, Jack would never stand for that. He thrashes and flails while nursing so I have had problems even attempting to nurse him in public. I have stopped nursing him because my supply can't keep up anymore. I am still pumping, but even then I can't keep up. The freezer stash is slowly being depleted.


I am jealous of moms that have babies who nap. The moms that have immaculately clean houses and who can make dinner. I can't. Jack naps for an hour or so in the morning and then cat naps the rest of the day. When he does nap, I use that opportunity to shower and grab something to eat. During his cat naps in the afternoon, I blog or check my email. I am no supermom. My house is messy (for me), I don't make dinner because this falls right in Jack's fussy time, and I am lucky if I put on a shirt that doesn't resemble a dirty t-shirt. I hate all the supermoms out there. Really I do.

Good Boy

Jack is generally a good baby. However, he spends the majority of his day being so gassy that I do nothing but pump his legs, burp him, try to distract him from the gas, and just patting his back. He isn't naughty by any means, but he's just not happy. Today he was pretty happy in the morning but guess what? The gas caught up with him. Now he's grumpy and sleepy but not napping. I am jealous of those moms who have babies that they can take anywhere, do anything with, are constantly smiling and happy. That isn't my baby. I love him more than life itself, but I just feel so bad for him. He isn't a happy boy. It's because he is gassy and in pain.

There you have it. My enlightening, happy post for the day!

Friday, April 2, 2010

I Hate Pills

I am sooooo tired of taking pills. I take way too many. I am not joking. Here is a run-down of what I have to swallow every day:

* 9 Fenugreek tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* 9 Blessed Thistle tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* Prenatal vitamin
* Birth control pill

That is 20 pills. That doesn't count the occasional Advil or Tylenol that I take.

I wish I could cut back, but honestly, I NEED them all. If I stop taking the Fenugreek or Blessed Thistle, my milk supply will tank. If I stop taking the prenatal, the small bit of vitamins and nutrition that I probably get will stop. If I stop taking the birth control, I could get pregnant. Although I am pretty sure you have to have sex in order to get pregnant.

Blasted, stupid pills.

2 Months

Jack, you are two months old today! Every day, I just can't believe how much you have grown. Like I said last month, I swear we were just taking you home from the hospital. Motherhood is so incredibly hard, but it's worth it. Here are some things about you:

* You are smiling SO much! That picture above is you on your changing table. That is where we get the most smiles. I am not sure if it's because you are happy to be changed or you just love to play with Mommy. When you are on the floor on your back, your kick your little legs and just grin if I smile at you.

* You are doing really great with eating. Mommy is having some problems, but you are taking them in stride. You still eat every hour to hour and a half (except at night), but that's okay. You don't eat for very long. Maybe five minutes at a time. This might make it hard when I go back to work, but for now, I don't mind.

* You talk a lot. I think you get that from me. You have such a sweet little voice too. Grammy says it's "sing-song'y", which is just fine with me. It melts my heart when I hear you coo and carry on a conversation, even if it's with the animals on your play mat.

* You don't sleep through the night yet, but secretly, I am okay with this. You are on your own schedule and since Daddy takes care of you during the night, I am not stressing. You typically sleep for 2 to 3 hour stretches at a time which is great! One night, you scared Mommy and Daddy half to death when you slept for 6 HOURS! We kept checking on you to make sure you were still breathing.

* 3 month sized clothes fit you really well. 0-3 month is a wee bit tight, so we will have to retire your fuzzy dinosaur sleeper here soon. Your little legs are super duper long which is why the smaller size doesn't work. Mommy put you in an outfit from cousin Greyson and your little legs are so long that they stuck out the bottom. It looked silly so we needed to change you.

* You are filling out quite nicely. You are getting little fat rolls on your legs! Your fingers are still long but they are starting to plump up too. I love chubby babies and I hope that you keep gaining. At last weigh-in, you were 11 pounds and 13 ounces. I will find out officially what you weigh at your pediatrician appointment on Tuesday.

* Your hair is finally starting to grow back on the top of your head. I really hope that it all comes back. Babies with lots of hair are cute!

* You have a fussy time every night. Your gas catches up with you and you are really cranky and uncomfortable between 6:00 and 8:00pm. I have to constantly bounce, rock, and burp you. Poor little guy. Your little tummy gets so upset.

* You seem to like your bath more and more. Mommy and you take a bath together every Wednesday and on Sundays, you get a baby tub bath. Daddy is able to bathe you that way. We don't want him to miss out! I think you like the big tub bath with Mommy because you are able to stay in the warm water longer. You kick your little legs and splash all around while Mommy holds you.

I love you little man. You are definitely a handful and full of surprises but worth it!