Sunday, March 28, 2010

It's Official

I have gross milk. I tested some frozen milk from three days ago and it has the same nasty taste as the old stuff.

If you are looking for some background, see my earlier post.

I am extremely depressed about this. I will now have to throw out over 200 ounces of frozen breastmilk. What am I supposed to do when Jack goes to daycare? I am going to have to pump enough at work during the day to keep up with his feedings. Jesus, no pressure there.

I thought lipase issues were very uncommon, but apparently not that uncommon! I hate to be all woe-is-me, but WTF? Why me? Why can't this be easier? I actually WANT to breastfeed my baby and yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I need a hug. And a really stiff drink. I will get neither tonight as the wee one is in bed and the husband is out for guy's night. The closest thing I will get to a stiff drink is my nasty dark beer (go go supply issue!).

I suck. More specifically, my milk sucks.

I Give Up

I am about ready to ditch breastfeeding altogether and just go to formula. I have had so many problems and every day is a new one. Jack not being able to suck, supply issues, angry eating, engorgement, having to pump to build a stash, etc. It's never ending.

The newest issue? My frozen breastmilk has gone bad. I noticed it last night when I made Jack a bottle for daddy to feed him. I have about 200 ounces of breastmilk frozen in bags in preparation for me to return to work. Our freezer is getting full so I told my husband that I would like to start using the frozen stuff. I am glad we tried this.

Back to my story. I made Jack a bottle last night and noticed it smelled. Not sour, not rancid, but just a strange smell. It appeared to be fine and he ate it. Don't freak out. I have read that if the baby eats it, it's not sour. I wasn't giving my kid spoiled milk.

This morning, since there was a little bit of milk left in the bag, I tried it. Holy crap! It tasted NASTY! Again, not rancid or sour. More like a soapy/metallic smell. According to Kellymom, this is a sign that you have excess lipase in your milk. This causes the milk to turn within a few hours sometimes.

Seriously? Yet another issue.

I am trying an experiment. I just thawed a bag of milk from four days ago. I want to see if it has the same taste/smell. If it doesn't, I will just work backwards and determine at what point my milk goes bad. Then I can keep only that timeline on hand in the freezer. Pain? Absolutely. But apparently it's necessary.

This is getting ridiculous. Why can't feeding my baby be easy? I am amazingly jealous of anyone who has no issues. I can deal with engorgement and leaking. I cannot deal with the constant worry that Jack is getting gross milk, enough milk, or feeding properly. It's extremely taxing and depressing. I don't want to be depressed but it's extremely hard.

I am ready to throw up my hands and just do formula. It's expensive but maybe it's worth it for my sanity. I don't want to do formula. Really I don't. I have a lot of pressure put on me from certain family members and I don't need the McJudgy attitudes from them.

Now, a question. Is it possible that my milk tastes bad because of something I ate that day? Would that cause an issue with the frozen stuff? If that's the case, maybe I don't have to worry.

What issue will I have tomorrow? Hmmmm, I bet I get mastitis or something. It would not surprise me. After all, I can't go more than a couple of days without some issue.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Trip to the Zoo

Today, my sister, Jack and I went to the zoo. I wanted to expose Jack early since it's my favorite place to go. Okay, let's face it: I wanted to go since I hadn't been in almost two years.

The day was.....interesting. Not really bad. Not really good. Just interesting. It started out with coffee at Starbucks. The woman working must have been trying to milk the cow because it seriously took 20 minutes for our drinks. Then, getting on to the freeway and to the zoo was an experience. Some idiot getting on the freeway slammed on his brakes and so I had to do the same to avoid rear-ending him. Traffic was pretty much insane the entire way.

I knew right away it would be a bear (haha, bear, get it? It's an animal reference!) to find parking because the exit to get off at the zoo was backed up. It took a few minutes to make it to the parking lot and then another few, realize there was absolutely no parking. We decided to drive another exit up the road and park at the transit center and take the train in. That was another fun adventure. Missed the turn, took forever to find a spot, blah blah blah.

Finally, we made it to the zoo and guess what? The line was incredibly long. It probably would have taken a good half hour to make it through the line and so I cheated and bought a year pass. Hey, as long as I use it 5 times, it wil pay for itself.

It's pretty funny that after all that excitement and time it took to get to the zoo, Jack slept almost the entire time. Maybe it was the noise or the lull of the stroller, but he slept. I enjoyed myself as much as I could while manuevering a stroller amongst the entire population of Portland. There were lots of new exhibits that I hadn't seen.

The biggest hurdle of the day? Feeding the boy. When he finally did wake up, I knew he would be starving. He was and so I found a place that was semi-discreet and nursed him. Don't worry people, I put a blanket over the girls so that I didn't flash the world. People walking by just saw my back but I am sure some people were able to figure out what I was doing.

I changed the wee one in the bathroom and then a few minutes later, he wanted to eat again! So we found another place to sit and nurse. My poor sister. She had to deal with all of this. She didn't complain one bit although I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. The second nursing didn't go so well. He flailed and screamed and so instead of fighting him and trying to wipe the spray of milk off his face, I gave him a bottle. I had packed some expressed milk JUST IN CASE. I always pack too much and I am glad I did this time.

We didn't finish the entire zoo. By the time all this happened, it was getting to be late and Jack was just not having it. Hey, I have a pass. I can go back anytime. Plus, we had to make it all the way back to the transit center and into the city.

The wee one and I finally made it back home around 6:00 and despite him sleeping the entire day, he went to bed at his regular time. Surprising!

I didn't take any pictures since I was focusing on not running into people's ankles or tripping over the stroller. Maybe next time!

All in all, the day wasn't a disaster but it wasn't perfect either. It's practice for other big outings that we will take in the future.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Eatin' and Pukin'

At the same time no less. I mean the title of my post. Yes, you read that correctly. Eating and puking at the same time. That's quite a feat!

Jack and I went to my Mamo's today for a visit and he was fussy during his regular time (6 to 8). During this time, I burp him a lot. He gets super gassy and very cranky. Plus, during this time he won't nurse. I think it's because he takes in a lot of air when he nurses. How this happens, I honestly don't know. The kid hardly is gassy when he has bottles, but when he nurses, it's another story.

He got a bottle around 6:30 and it was a 3 ounce meal. Not out of the ordinary. We left Mamo's around 7:45 and got home around 8:15. Plenty of time for his food to digest.

Since my kid eats almost every hour when he's awake, it was time to feed again. He was actually a little overdue. So I proceed to nurse him. It's past his fussy time so he will nurse again (weird, I know).

So he's nursing and then all of a sudden..................BLECH! He spit up all over me. All over my boob, all over his sleeper, all over the couch. My clothes were completely soaked. He was completely soaked. Poor buggy.

Who knew babies can spit up and eat at the same time? Not me!

My husband found this incredibly hilarious. So did Jack based on all the smiles he gave me when I changed him.

Oh lord. How could you not melt when you see this smile?

I guess his dinner wasn't digested after all. Either that or I burped and rocked him too much. He's fine now. He nursed later on and then promptly fell asleep.

Good times were had by all.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I've Reached a New Low

The weather is beautiful outside today so I thought I would take Jack shopping. The fact that it's almost 70 degrees and we were inside is not what this post is about although that is pretty pathetic too. We took a walk yesterday outside so no judging.

We first went to Starbucks. I am starting him on coffee drinks early. I kid people, lighten up. With my delicious white mocha in hand, I pulled the stroller out of the trunk and we went into Kohl's. I was on the hunt mostly for an Easter outfit for little man, but I thought I would try and find some clothes for me too.

I don't consider myself incredibly stylish but I always try and make an effort to look presentable. Before baby, I would wear cute jewelry, my purse would match and I would wear fun shoes. Now, my wardrobe consists of items that are comfortable and easy to yank up in order to nurse. This means I live in jeans, sneakers, tank tops and a sweatshirt. Le sigh.

You would think I would take an opportunity to buy new clothes and have FUN! Noooo, what do I buy? Comfortable clothes. Jebus. Three t-shirts, one sweatshirt and two nursing bras later, I am officially a loser. What is even more pathetic is that the nursing bras are completely shapeless. Who cares? They are freaking soft! Think sports bra but thinner and prettier.

I have reached a new low. At least the sweatshirt is in a fun color and has a pattern on it. Like that really makes it any better.

I am such a mom. It's official. I swear on my life that I will never purchase "mom jeans" or cut my hair short. My husband just might divorce me if that occurred.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I'm Scared

I am not sure if this is normal but I am absolutely terrified of SIDS. I worry every day (and pray that it won't happen) that something is going to happen to Jack. Sometimes, the fear literally paralyzes me. I am pretty sure it's unhealthy to worry as much as I do.

I know SIDS is pretty uncommon and I know that we are doing everything right in terms of preventing SIDS, but I am still scared.

I cannot imagine my life without Jack. I can't even think or fathom what I would do if something happened to him.

Sorry for the morbid post. Maybe it's because my brother died when I was younger and I know that life can change in an instant. Maybe it's because I am a mom and worry is normal.

I don't think I will stop worrying until the SIDS risk is gone (after 4 months generally). After that, there is a whole new crop of worries.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I'm a Mean Mommy

Jack hasn't been napping or sleeping much the past few days. He will "cat nap" and sleep for about 15 to 20 minutes at a time and then be wide awake again. I know he's tired because he will doze off all day long but just not sleep.

Today, I forced him to take a nap. Aren't I mean?

As he was getting drowsy around 11:00, I decided I would swaddle him. Usually, we only swaddle in the evenings, but what the heck right? He got wrapped up really tight, got his paci and then I dropped him in the swing on the lowest setting. It took him a couple of minutes, but he fell asleep!


It's now 90 minutes later. I had time to do the dishes, sweep the floor, clean the counter tops, eat lunch, dust, and balance my checkbook. Seriously, talk about a world of difference. My house thanks me.

I am such a mean mommy to force Jack to nap aren't I? Seriously though, I have heard that babies won't actually fall asleep unless they are tired, so clearly he must have been tired.

I can imagine that he's going to wake up crazy hungry. I better prepare myself!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Back to Work

Not me, but my husband. I am sad. He has been home with me and Jack the past 6 weeks so it's hard to see him go, but he needs to make money after all.

To try and feel less sad today, I took Jack into work for a visit. Then I went and picked up my book for my final class that starts tomorrow. Then we went for a weigh-in at the lactation clinic.

All the errands and running around did us good. I was able to stay distracted and Jack was a really good boy. He was hungry twice and so I fed him in the Mother's Room at work and then again in an empty classroom at the college. The Mother's Room is very nice. I will be spending some quality time pumping there when I go back to work. Today marks the first day that I nursed Jack somewhere other than in a home. It seems strange, but I actually was relieved. I don't have as much of a phobia nursing him in public now.

Now, on to the best news of the day: Jack weighs 11 pounds! After all my stress and worry about feeding and getting the hang of breastfeeding, the little guy is gaining weight like a champ! His cute little fingers are plumping up and he is getting tiny fat rolls on his arms and legs. Thank you Lord!

Jack is cranky tonight. I am not sure if it's the result of spending the entire day running around, or if it's gas, or if it's the fact that he misses his daddy. I vote gas. He has a period during the day where he's super gassy. Poor little guy.

I have 4 hours before my husband gets home from work. I hope I can make it!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A Day Away

Today, Jason was the best man in his best friend's wedding. That means that we needed a babysitter for Jack. I could write a whole post on why we didn't bring him to the wedding, but I digress (I am still bitter about it).

I asked my aunt to watch him since my mother and father-in-law were at the wedding as well. Honestly, I think my nerves were completely shot before I left the house this morning. I was so incredibly anxious and nervous. Not that Jack wouldn't be okay. He was going to be in excellent hands. I was more worried about ME! This was my first time away from Jack for more than an hour and the first time anyone other than my mother-in-law was going to watch him.

I got the diaper bag and my pump bag all ready to go last night. I set out all my clothes. I got everything possible ready since I had no idea if the bean would nap this morning. Good thing too because he didn't nap. I took a shower with Jack in his bouncy chair in the bathroom. Jason was getting ready for the wedding so he wasn't able to help out.

I dropped Jack off at 11:30 and gave my aunt tons of instructions:

* When you hear him poop, wait a few minutes to change him because likely he isn't done pooping. We have learned this the hard way.

* He's hard to burp but it's a necessity since he gets awful gas. Just keep trying!

* Pace him when it comes to feeding him a bottle. If you don't, that bottle will end up on you and your furniture.

The diaper bag was ridiculously overpacked. That's a nervous mama for you! I packed 20 ounces of breastmilk bottles alone. Seriously, Jack doesn't eat more than 4 ounces at a sitting and he was only going to be over at her house for 4 hours. 20 ounces was overkill but I would rather be over-prepared than under-prepared.

My pump and I were off to the wedding and how embarrassing! When I got there, I had enough time to knock out a pumping session. If I hadn't, it would have been ugly. So, I had to ask someone where I could go that was private. Turns out, there was a bathroom that was private, but it was right off the lobby of the chapel. Oh well, people could probably hear me but I had business to do!

The wedding was lovely. I was a ball of nerves the entire time. I wish I had brought Jack. There were other babies there. I could have sat in the back and if he had fussed, I could have brought him outside. And there were plenty of places that I could nurse him. I was in agony for 3 hours until I decided it was time to leave. I got to see the cake cutting, Jason giving a toast and all the dancing. I didn't miss much.

I drove like a lunatic on the way home. I couldn't help it! I missed my baby! PS: I never thought I would be this type of mom.

My poor aunt. When I got there, she had changed her clothes. That is the telltale sign that projectile vomit probably occurred. Turns out, Jack overate and puked up his bottle. Then, he pooped and when she changed him, he wasn't done pooping and he pooped and peed all over her. Remember those points I said before? Uh huh. I know my baby well.

I have to say, I survived. But will I be leaving Jack again soon? Nope. I might for an hour or two but not four. Those were the longest four hours ever! Maybe it will get easier with time, but I don't want to test that theory just yet.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I posted many times during pregnancy about things I dislike. Well, being a new mom has brought a whole new crop of things I dislike. Here are just a smattering of them:

* When people compare my baby to their baby. It's even worse when these people's babies are old and grown up. Sorry, but when your baby was actually a baby the pilgrims were landing at Plymouth Rock. Don't compare Jack. He is his OWN person. Just because he isn't sleeping through the night/smiling/is constantly fussy/doesn't have a schedule, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him.

* Leaking. It's embarrassing when it happens when you are visiting your coworkers at your place of employment. Thank God someone noticed and told me. It's annoying when you wake up in the middle of the night to pump and realize your bra is already soaked. That could be a whole ounce soaked into my stupid bra. Oh well, at least I don't have a supply issue right now.

* People who are holier-than-thou about breastfeeding. You are not a better person or a better mommy just because you breastfeed. This is coming from someone who does breastfeed. If you have read my earlier posts, you will realize that this is not something that is easy or that I particularly enjoy. If you choose to formula feed, go for it! I do not judge you. Heck, there are days I want to throw in the towel and do the same. I will never try and convince someone to breastfeed. It's a personal decision and other people need to butt the heck out.

* Disorganization. I am a very clean and organized person. Well, scratch that. WAS. I was a clean and organized person. I don't have time anymore. Yes, I could probably be vaccuuming right now instead of typing, but oh well. Being on the interwebs is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane. I wish I had more time to clean and scrub my house. It's clean, just not as clean as I would like it. You probably don't want to eat off my kitchen floor right now, although my counters are fine.

* Pregnancy carpal tunnel. Apparently my body doesn't understand that I am no longer pregnant. I still have my carpal tunnel. Most days I am fine. Today, it sucks. I wish it would go away but until it does, you might notice more typos than normal.

To wrap up this wonderfully inspirational post, I will now post something that I love. I don't post nearly enough pictures.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Updates and What No One Tells You

I am still chugging along with breastfeeding. Jack does pretty well with it until about 5:00 or 6:00 at night. This is when my supply tanks so it makes sense that he gets frustrated and won't latch on. It's because there is probably no milk! So instead of fighting to get him to latch, we have started giving him a bottle of pumped milk. This makes me less stressed and Jack much happier. A happier baby = a happier Mommy.

I haven't used the shield in a very long time so finally Jack is able to latch without it. It makes breastfeeding a lot easier. I also have mastered (slowly but surely) nursing in front of people. I have nursed in front of my two best girlfriends (with their permission) as well as another new mommy Jenn. She is my friend who had a baby a couple of weeks after me. My next hurdle is to nurse in public somewhere, but I am super chicken and might not do this for quite some time.

The second part of this post is what no one tells you about motherhood. I have had a rough past couple of days. I don't know if it's post partum depression, baby blues or just normal stressors. Here is what you aren't told about mommyhood:

* You may not bond with your baby instantly. I thankfully did, but I have heard from a lot of women that they didn't bond or instantly love their baby. It took them several weeks.

* Breastfeeding is hard. Based on my previous laments, I am sure you have figured this out. If you are one of the lucky women that has absolutely no problem with it, I am jealous! If I had honestly known just how hard it would be, I never would have attempted it. I would have either exclusively pumped or just gone straight to formula.

* Motherhood is not fun. At least, not a lot of the time. It's incredibly difficult. I have been dealing with a very fussy baby who doesn't nap the past few days. I can't soothe him, he cries, he gets angry with me, he won't breastfeed, etc. The times when this happens, I am miserable. I feel like a terrible mom. When people ask me "Are you just having so much fun?", I lie and say "Oh yes, it's wonderful". It's not. Again, I love my child more than life itself, but most of the time, it's not fun. There are times during the day where it's fun, but when you have a screaming baby and you are crying because he is crying, it's just not fun. I pray a lot during the day.

* You will feel guilty. You will feel guilty about every decision you make, good and bad. You will feel guilty that you aren't having fun. You will feel guilty about some of the feelings that you have in your head.

I will probably get some angry comments about these next thoughts, but here goes:

* I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. I love Jack and wanted him so badly, but when you literally cannot get your baby to stop crying, a little thought goes through your head. It's a fleeting thought and it doesn't last very long thankfully.

* I sometimes miss being able to do what I want when I want. I knew this was going to happen, but the reality didn't hit home until I had him in my arms. No more quick trips to Target or the grocery store.

* I miss having one on one time with my husband. These moments are a lot more difficult when you are trying to care for a baby. The baby comes first, the husband comes second. I wish we could go out to dinner, or a movie or just lounge at home. We can, but it has to be very planned these days.

Please understand, I am new at this. These feelings will go away when Jack starts to settle into a routine and mommy settles into a routine. I love my child and hope that he loves me. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Jack is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I have moments throughout the day where I want to cry. It's very very hard. The hardest job you will ever have.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Surviving On My Own

This title sounds drastic. Oh well. My husband went out of town for a long bachelor party weekend. That means I was on my own to take care of Jack. Of course, I have help in the form of my mother-in-law and girlfriends. They can't obviously take the 2:00 am feedings, but they can give me a break during the day if I needed it. Here is how the long weekend went:

Thursday afternoon: Jason leaves town around 1:00 and my cable and internet promptly go out. No biggie. I have company coming anyways. I don't need cable or internet. Lynn (my mother-in-law) and Aunt Sherry come over for a visit. While they are at the house, I take advantage of getting a few things done. Recently, Jack is napping less which means my house is less clean and things are not getting done around Pachey-land. I run to the grocery store to pick up a couple of essential items. By 7:00, my mother-in-law is convinced enough (with numerous promises that I am fine) to leave my on my own. Jack and I hang out (eat, poop, sleep, repeat) until he goes down to sleep at around 10:00.

The boy sleeps for two hours and I hardly get any sleep. I had the baby monitor on and I can hear every peep, baby noise and coo until he finally cries. I came to the conclusion very quickly that the monitor is more bad then good. After Jack eats, I pass out on the couch with him in my arms. I am holding out that I WILL NOT sleep with him in bed. I have a fear that with Jason gone, sleeping with him will end badly. I don't want sleep deprivation leading to me rolling over on him.

By Friday morning, I have had about 4 hours of sleep. Really, it's not that terrible. I have had a lot of time to realize that this weekend was coming and that I would somehow survive.

Friday, we wake up early, play, eat, sleep, poop, repeat. I have two visitors to keep me busy. I head over to my girlfriend's house on Friday for a "girl's night" plus one (the baby, duh!). Pizza and chit chat await me. It would have been a great day if Jack hadn't been fussy. Lately, he has a period during the evening where he is very cranky and gassy and uncomfortable. This period is very frustrating and Friday was no different. From about 6:00 to 8:00, he cried, ate, cried, farted, cried, burped, cried and then screamed. He screamed in extreme pain for about 30 seconds while I paniced. He has never ever screamed like that. After a very robust burp, he was fine. Of course, my nerves were shot and I kept apologizing to my friends. Having girl's night just isn't the same when you can't include yourself in the conversation because you are either giving a baby your boob or trying to calm him down.

My life has changed for sure.

I left my friend's at 9:00 and when we arrived home, Jack was asleep. I took advantage of a few minutes of sleeping baby to do dishes, get my coffee ready for the morning and fold a load of laundry. Jack woke up but then went down to bed at 10:00.

Friday night was rough. He woke up every two hours to eat, which is fine in itself. However, add that to the previous night of four hours. I was seriously hurting on Saturday. SERIOUSLY.

I had a headache all day on Saturday, barely ate and was so sleep deprived I could barely function. My mother-in-law invited us over and I took her up on it. I figured she would give me a little bit of a break. I stayed for dinner and once again, Jack was fussy between 6:00 and 8:00 which if you figure it out, is right during dinner. Instead of eating, I took care of the baby. I won't rehash my feeding issue/struggle with my wonderful MIL because it's over and done with and I love her.

I made it home on Saturday night very defeated. I figured I was in for a very long, painful night again. Jack was asleep at 9:00 and swaddled in his crib. He doesn't like the swaddle, but I tried it thinking he might sleep a little better. I crashed on the couch with the monitor. I have never slept so soundly in my life. I woke up at 1:00 to a crying baby.

Hold the phone. 9:00 to 1:00. FOUR HOURS! That has never happened before. I nursed Jack, rocked him back to sleep, reswaddled him and fell asleep on the couch with him. He slept another 2 hours and then the process repeated. At 4:00, I pumped and then took the baby to bed with me. I broke my own rule but whatever.

Sunday morning, I woke up close to 7:30 and Jack was stirring as well. I had managed to get about 8 hours of sleep. Halleluah! I felt like a new woman.

My sister and I went to a wonderful breakfast and I enjoyed my first real meal in days. A bowl of cereal or two bites of an apple just don't count as a meal. Jack was a perfect angel at the restaurant and I was renewed. I could do this alone thing again if I really needed to.

Jason came home around 5:30 and we were so so so glad to see him! I had already prearranged with him that at 8:00, Mommy was off duty and Daddy was taking over.

Sunday night, I drew a bath, brought a beer and some magazines in with me and had a long, luxurious soak in the tub. I went to bed early and enjoyed a good night of sleep (with two pumping sessions).

This long, drawn out post has a few morals to the story:

1. Single mothers are amazing. I don't know how in the world they can do it. Having Jason gone for just a weekend was difficult. I can't imagine doing it full time.

2. Having a baby changes everything. This might seem like stating the obvious, but everything is different. Girl's night is no longer easy. Jumping in the car and going to the store is no longer easy. Nothing is easy.

3. I can survive a weekend alone. Not that I want to, but if I had to, I could do it.

I am extremely lucky to have a husband that does so much of the work. Seriously, I thank God for him every day. Now I shall chain him permanently to the bed so he can never leave again. Tee hee.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Feeding Struggles

I thought I had conquered all my (and Jack's) issues with breastfeeding. We made it through his learning how to suck, his weight loss, issues with latching, a growth spurt and other issues. Granted, I was still using the nipple shield, but it was a small step away from perfect.

Yesterday, I broke down. Jack was doing great until a couple of days ago. Suddenly, he wouldn't latch at all. He would get angry, shake his head and pull off my breast. He would make grunting or angry sounds and get frustrated. This led to marathon feeding sessions, sometimes up to 2 hours. He would fall asleep finally on my breast, or just get so frustrated that he would give up.

I chalked it up to my supply being crappy. I haven't been pumping nearly as much as I used to. I used to be able to get 8-10 ounces sometimes at a pumping session, but now I am lucky to get 5. In the evenings, it's even less. So at the OB's office yesterday I asked what I could do to boost my supply. Per my doctor's orders, I am drinking a dark beer every day. I am also drinking a ton more water, eating oatmeal for breakfast and taking Fenugreek tablets.

When I got home, I literally broke down. During a nursing session, Jack did his angry pull off routine. I kept relatching him and finally had it. I gave up. He wasn't nursing off me and when he would pull off, the nipple shield would be full of milk. So maybe it wasn't my supply. At any rate, I broke down. I can't sit and try to feed my baby for up to 2 hours and then turn around and do it again. It just isn't feasible. I am frustrated, he is frustrated and my husband is frustrated dealing with our frustration.

I cried and decided that I would just pump. At least Jack would get my milk even if it wasn't straight from the tap. Whoever said that breastfeeding is "easy" and "natural" upsets me. It makes me feel like a failure that I can't feed my baby correctly. I will probably get hate mail for this comment, but I don't like breastfeeding. It's not fun. I suppose if he ate correctly and my supply was good, I would like it, but I don't.

I don't want to worry about giving my baby food and dread every nursing session so my plan is to pump and give Jack bottles. Occasionally I will offer him the breast, but without the shield. That little piece of plastic was causing me a lot of grief that I didn't need. It went into the trash last night.

Enter this morning. I seemed a little more okay about my decision. The first bottle of the day was hard, but I got through it. The second feeding, I offered Jack the boob. He latched on for about 2 minutes and ate before he got frustrated. Hey, it was two minutes. Later in the day, he latched on for a good 15 minutes total. Both times without the shield! Progress!

I am still not pumping a whole lot today, but I am hoping that my supply will pick up. If anyone out there has any insight on how long it takes to boost your supply, I would appreciate your feedback.

So there you have it. I am still not 100 percent at peace with my decision. Ultimately, I want to be able to breastfeed. It is still going to take a lot of work, but I will keep working. Maybe at month two, I will re-evaluate and decide something different. Hell, I might decide something different next week depending on how the little man and I are doing.

God speed Pachey and Jack, God speed.

Monday, March 1, 2010

One Month Old

Jack, you are one month old today. Where has the time gone? I swear, just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital in your little bear suit. My tiny little baby is getting so big!

I cannot describe or explain just how much I love you. Even when I get frustrated because I can't calm your crying or you don't want to eat even though you are hungry, I love you more than life itself. You are the best thing that happened to your daddy and I. Looking at you is like looking at a miniature version of your daddy (and me) and it melts my heart. I love you so much little guy. I cannot wait until you can smile and show that you love me too.

Here are some things about you at one month old:

* You must be 10 pounds by now. At the doctor last Tuesday, you were 9 pounds, so I imagine that you are right at or very close to 10 pounds.

* You just went through a growth spurt. You were eating constantly, hardly sleeping and as a result, Mommy and Daddy's nerves were very frazzled. It seems to be over with now though.

* Over the weekend, you smiled really really big for both Daddy and Nana. We aren't sure if it was a real smile or just gas, but we will say it was a real smile. Your Daddy smiled really early too so it wouldn't surprise me if it was a smile. Now if you could only do it for Mommy, that would be great!

* We just had to switch your diapers. You have officially outgrown your newborn sized Swaddlers. You are now in size 1's. My goodness! You are getting so big! When you were born, the nurses at the hospital put you in size 1's and you were too tiny for them. They were huge on you! Now they fit you just right. I will admit that Daddy and I are going to miss the Swaddlers because they changed color when you had a wet diaper.

* You love both your activity gym and your glowing seahorse. You "talk" to both of them, especially when it's slightly dark in your room and you can see the seahorse light up. You will stare at him and your toys in the gym mat for a very long time. It's so fun to listen to the noises that you make and watch you kick your little legs. We have a couple of videos of you playing. I watch them at least once a day.

* You seem to have outgrown hating your bath. Now, when we give you a bath, you hardly fuss at all. If we put a warm washcloth over your tummy, it helps a lot and makes you happy. You don't even cry when we wash your hair! In a couple more weeks, I bet you will officially enjoy your bath.

* On that same note, you don't scream when we change your diaper anymore, unless it's very early in the morning and you haven't woken up all the way yet. You used to cry very hard when we would undress you and wipe you down. That stage seems to have passed.

* You are getting very close to outgrowing your newborn sized clothes. Your little legs are getting very long (we aren't sure where those long legs come from!) and newborn pants are a wee bit too small. The onesies and shirts still fit, but it won't be long. I put you in a 0-3 outfit on Sunday and it fit you perfectly.

We love you pumpkin. You are the light of our lives and so many other people's too. Happy One Month Birthday!