My blog has always been pretty light content wise. I tend not to discuss heavy or controversial topics. I think this does me a disservice because I have no place to vent. On that note, I have uncomfortable things to share.
It's been a very rough couple of months in our household. Between my depression, money and husband issues, it's been hard. Very hard.
Our past spending and a very large amount of medical bills have been knocking on our door. So much so that I have been consumed with worry about how I was going to pay them. Finally, after much discussion with Jason, we decided to bite the bullet and just consolidate them. My credit is terrible right now, and one other "hit" on my credit report can't hurt right? Rather than spending $1500 a month - which is more than our mortgage payment and something I simply cannot afford, we have an affordable plan to pay off debt.
The above has been the biggest source of worry for me. I tend not to share my worry with Jason or anyone really, so I have been internalizing it. Which guess what? Leads to anxiety and depression. I have been in therapy since July and it is helping immensely. I talk about my problem with low self-esteem, money worries, worrying about being a good parent, and feeling the burden of doing it all.
I have been doing it all and it takes a toll. Between working 45 hours a week, doing all the housework, school drop offs and pick ups, and cooking, I am spent. Jason is a stay-at-home dad but he isn't really the cleaning or cooking type. This needs to change. I absolutely cannot continue to do it all. My health is suffering. The relationship with my children and husband is suffering. I will be having a talk with him about helping more. I don't expect miracles or him to move mountains, but it would be really nice if he could clean up a little and perhaps do some of the school drop offs once in a while.
Speaking of Jason, I think he is depressed. He will deny it every time, but something is wrong. He has been struggling with low testosterone for a couple of years and it's..........not good. He refuses to see a doctor which is so incredibly frustrating. He is afraid the doctor is going to tell him he's fat. Well so what? Wouldn't you rather have a physical and be uncomfortable for an hour rather than have the worry about dropping dead and leaving your family? That seems dramatic, but it's true. Diabetes, heart disease and other problems run in his family. He has terrible sleep apnea from being overweight which leads to him falling asleep in random places at random times. He needs help. I can't force him to go to the doctor (I have tried). The next step would be to threaten divorce but I am not that type of person. I can't do it.
It's been rough. It will get better but at the moment, it seems insurmountable.
Sorry for the word vomit. But I need somewhere I can talk about this.
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Monday, October 27, 2014
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Something's Gotta Give
Something's Gotta Give. Wasn't that a movie? A pretty good one if I remember. Those words are exactly how I am feeling lately. I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I need a break. A break from the world.
This probably sounds so selfish considering there are people out there that work harder, do more, have more kids, etc. But I am tired.
I have been toying with the idea of getting away for a weekend with just ME but that probably won't be happening. With the holidays coming up and budget, the most I can probably swing is a sleepover at Nana's for the boys.
As you probably know, I work from home. This is an ideal situation for me and I chose it by taking this job, however, I am literally with my children and husband 24 hours a day. I work in an office, yes, but it's a small house we live in. I can hear what is going on. I hear the crying, the playing and occasionally, a kid will make their way into our office (bedroom) and ask me for something.
After I log off from work after a 9 or 10 hour day, I cook dinner. Then I do dishes, get the kids ready for bed and tidy up the house.
Jason is a stay-at-home dad but he doesn't do any housework. That is the main reason we hired a house cleaner once a month. Our house cleaner does the deep clean that I just don't have time to do. I pick up the slack and do all the laundry, dishes, wiping down of countertops, vaccuuming, etc. etc. etc. I do all the grocery shopping, bill paying, errand running, school drop offs, pick ups, etc.
There is a solution to the paragraph above. Ask Jason to do more. This is a conversation that we have had. He offers to do more. I need to take him up on it. I just need to ask but I am a martyr.
Besides housework, we have free-time issues. I rarely go out with friends. RARELY. I do run errands and get out of the house and have some "me" time on occasion, but it's almost always when the kids are napping. And it's only on the weekends. I need to make more of an effort to get out for me and with friends. I have been doing this recently. On Monday, I went out with my sister for a girl's day. I went walking with my friend last night after the boys went to bed. I am considering taking a knitting class. My cousin and I are planning on signing up for an exercise class of some sort.
I need a break. I want one day to sleep in, wake up on my own timeframe and drink my coffee and watch Food Network for a little while. I need a break from 6:30am wakeups, Disney Jr. and making a million meals.
Sorry that this post is so whiny. But it's how I have been feeling lately. Again, I know some people never get a break from their kids or get to sleep in, but I am stretched too thin for my own sanity.
This probably sounds so selfish considering there are people out there that work harder, do more, have more kids, etc. But I am tired.
I have been toying with the idea of getting away for a weekend with just ME but that probably won't be happening. With the holidays coming up and budget, the most I can probably swing is a sleepover at Nana's for the boys.
As you probably know, I work from home. This is an ideal situation for me and I chose it by taking this job, however, I am literally with my children and husband 24 hours a day. I work in an office, yes, but it's a small house we live in. I can hear what is going on. I hear the crying, the playing and occasionally, a kid will make their way into our office (bedroom) and ask me for something.
After I log off from work after a 9 or 10 hour day, I cook dinner. Then I do dishes, get the kids ready for bed and tidy up the house.
Jason is a stay-at-home dad but he doesn't do any housework. That is the main reason we hired a house cleaner once a month. Our house cleaner does the deep clean that I just don't have time to do. I pick up the slack and do all the laundry, dishes, wiping down of countertops, vaccuuming, etc. etc. etc. I do all the grocery shopping, bill paying, errand running, school drop offs, pick ups, etc.
There is a solution to the paragraph above. Ask Jason to do more. This is a conversation that we have had. He offers to do more. I need to take him up on it. I just need to ask but I am a martyr.
Besides housework, we have free-time issues. I rarely go out with friends. RARELY. I do run errands and get out of the house and have some "me" time on occasion, but it's almost always when the kids are napping. And it's only on the weekends. I need to make more of an effort to get out for me and with friends. I have been doing this recently. On Monday, I went out with my sister for a girl's day. I went walking with my friend last night after the boys went to bed. I am considering taking a knitting class. My cousin and I are planning on signing up for an exercise class of some sort.
I need a break. I want one day to sleep in, wake up on my own timeframe and drink my coffee and watch Food Network for a little while. I need a break from 6:30am wakeups, Disney Jr. and making a million meals.
Sorry that this post is so whiny. But it's how I have been feeling lately. Again, I know some people never get a break from their kids or get to sleep in, but I am stretched too thin for my own sanity.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Catch Up and the Sickness
Welcome back to blogging land! It's been a while for several reasons:
* I went on vacation and didn't have a lot of time to post.
* My laptop died so I couldn't post.
* We were all sick so I didn't want to post.
I plan on doing a catch up post on Christmas to catch up as well as all my knitting goodies that I have created. There isn't a whole lot of other things to post about yet. I will have two upcoming posts about Cal since his first birthday is tomorrow! Plus his party is on Saturday.
For now, here is a wrap-up of how we spent my winter vacation.
Friday December 14th was my last day of work and I was excited! Even though I was feeling some weird throat thing/cold coming on. I chalked it up to allergies. Saturday I went to my knitting class as usual so I could finish up all my Christmas projects. Things were going fine until Jack caught my mild cold. He seemed fine but he woke up in the middle of the night on the 19th complaining that his ear hurt. He went back to sleep just fine but I knew that he needed to be seen by the doctor. He doesn't complain of ear pain unless he has an ear infection.
Sure enough, after a visit to the pediatrician, he was given a prescription of Amoxicillin and sent home. Since he won't take medication straight up, we had to hide all his doses in juice. Stellar parenting right here folks.
Vacation cruised along for a couple of days and we brought the boys to see Santa. They did great and it resulted in the cutest picture ever. I will post in the Christmas post.
Cal caught Jack's cold on Saturday and was pretty miserable. By Saturday night, just mere hours after getting sick, it was evident that he also had an ear infection. He wouldn't sleep and just cried all night. Since it was a Sunday and I didn't want to wait or risk not getting in to see the pediatrician on Monday since it was Christmas Eve, I took him to urgent care.
Ding ding! Ear infection. What can I say? I know my kids. After getting a prescription, we were sent home. Cal was feeling much better after a couple of doses of the Amoxicillin and some baby Advil.
We managed to avoid being sick on Christmas with the exception of ear infections. It was touch and go because Cal was coughing pretty bad even though he felt okay. We weren't sure if we would be able to go to my in-laws' on Christmas Eve because our elderly grandmother and her friend would be there. We didn't want to risk getting them sick.
Christmas was fun and we all felt fine. I should have known that it was short-lived.
I started getting sick shortly after Christmas. Not just a mild cold, but a full blown, snotty, coughing, sneezing, can't taste anything cold. It was gross. I think I consumed nothing but orange juice for two days. And since our house is small and there is no place for germs to go, I managed to pass my cold back to Jack. And Jason got it too.
We were functional but since we were all sick, I wasn't able to take the kids to any of the fun activities that I had planned for my vacation. I wanted to take them to Zoo Lights, to OMSI, go see Christmas lights and to the new Portland Aquarium. We did nothing but sit at home, watch a lot of tv and wash a lot of laundry.
On Sunday December 30th, Cal was acting weird, not sleeping, not napping and tugging at his ears. Back to urgent care we went! He had yet another ear infection. Even though he was on Amoxicillin, the infection wasn't clearing up and it had migrated to his other ear. It appeared to be a drug resistant bacteria so he had to be put on a different medication. Poor guy.
New Year's Eve came and since the boys were still getting over colds but stable, Jason and I decided to stay in, have some appetizers and drink some Prosecco.
After heading to bed early, I was awoken at 3am by Jack who wanted to snuggle on the couch. He then proceeded to throw up all over himself and he didn't stop throwing up for hours. I didn't think Jack had a stomach virus because this seemed different. He has been struggling to poop lately and I thought maybe this could be a blockage. To the children's ER we went. Two hours later we were home with a prescription for Zofran and a diagnosis of stomach flu.
Since Jack was feeling better, Cal and I went to our family celebration on New Year's Day. I needed to get out of the house for a bit after being cooped up for what felt like weeks. Life went on for another couple of days and I went back to work on Wednesday the 2nd.
When I logged off work on the 2nd I started feeling bad. Like nauseous and head spinning bad. At the very same time, Cal got fussy. By 6:00 Cal and I had both thrown up. Jack had gifted us both his lovely stomach bug.
It was a rough 8 hours. Cal and I were both sick and neither of us could keep food or any liquids down. I had an awful fever and diarrhea. Cal cried and cried and cried because he was so thirsty but we didn't want to give him much liquid at a time because we knew he would vomit it back up. Thank the Lord for Jason. He would hold Cal while I went to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach. He got Jack his dinner and put him in bed. He held Cal for a couple of hours so I could try and sleep.
At 1:00 in the morning, both Cal's and my fever broke and we both had managed to keep some liquids down. I held Cal in bed and he slept like a log until 4:00, woke briefly for some juice and then went back to sleep.
The next few days were touch and go. We were all so weak from being sick off and on and we had to modify the kiddos' diet so they weren't consuming any milk since milk is so harsh on their stomach when they have a bug. Most days the kids didn't throw up. They have a couple of times here and there but we are feeding them such mild foods so their tummies don't revolt.
Now? We are slowly getting better. We all still have the trots and I am on medication for a sinus infection. Other than that, we are slowly starting to feel better. Please everyone cross your fingers that none of us get sick again. I can't handle any more damn illness!
* I went on vacation and didn't have a lot of time to post.
* My laptop died so I couldn't post.
* We were all sick so I didn't want to post.
I plan on doing a catch up post on Christmas to catch up as well as all my knitting goodies that I have created. There isn't a whole lot of other things to post about yet. I will have two upcoming posts about Cal since his first birthday is tomorrow! Plus his party is on Saturday.
For now, here is a wrap-up of how we spent my winter vacation.
Friday December 14th was my last day of work and I was excited! Even though I was feeling some weird throat thing/cold coming on. I chalked it up to allergies. Saturday I went to my knitting class as usual so I could finish up all my Christmas projects. Things were going fine until Jack caught my mild cold. He seemed fine but he woke up in the middle of the night on the 19th complaining that his ear hurt. He went back to sleep just fine but I knew that he needed to be seen by the doctor. He doesn't complain of ear pain unless he has an ear infection.
Sure enough, after a visit to the pediatrician, he was given a prescription of Amoxicillin and sent home. Since he won't take medication straight up, we had to hide all his doses in juice. Stellar parenting right here folks.
Vacation cruised along for a couple of days and we brought the boys to see Santa. They did great and it resulted in the cutest picture ever. I will post in the Christmas post.
Cal caught Jack's cold on Saturday and was pretty miserable. By Saturday night, just mere hours after getting sick, it was evident that he also had an ear infection. He wouldn't sleep and just cried all night. Since it was a Sunday and I didn't want to wait or risk not getting in to see the pediatrician on Monday since it was Christmas Eve, I took him to urgent care.
Ding ding! Ear infection. What can I say? I know my kids. After getting a prescription, we were sent home. Cal was feeling much better after a couple of doses of the Amoxicillin and some baby Advil.
We managed to avoid being sick on Christmas with the exception of ear infections. It was touch and go because Cal was coughing pretty bad even though he felt okay. We weren't sure if we would be able to go to my in-laws' on Christmas Eve because our elderly grandmother and her friend would be there. We didn't want to risk getting them sick.
Christmas was fun and we all felt fine. I should have known that it was short-lived.
I started getting sick shortly after Christmas. Not just a mild cold, but a full blown, snotty, coughing, sneezing, can't taste anything cold. It was gross. I think I consumed nothing but orange juice for two days. And since our house is small and there is no place for germs to go, I managed to pass my cold back to Jack. And Jason got it too.
We were functional but since we were all sick, I wasn't able to take the kids to any of the fun activities that I had planned for my vacation. I wanted to take them to Zoo Lights, to OMSI, go see Christmas lights and to the new Portland Aquarium. We did nothing but sit at home, watch a lot of tv and wash a lot of laundry.
On Sunday December 30th, Cal was acting weird, not sleeping, not napping and tugging at his ears. Back to urgent care we went! He had yet another ear infection. Even though he was on Amoxicillin, the infection wasn't clearing up and it had migrated to his other ear. It appeared to be a drug resistant bacteria so he had to be put on a different medication. Poor guy.
New Year's Eve came and since the boys were still getting over colds but stable, Jason and I decided to stay in, have some appetizers and drink some Prosecco.
After heading to bed early, I was awoken at 3am by Jack who wanted to snuggle on the couch. He then proceeded to throw up all over himself and he didn't stop throwing up for hours. I didn't think Jack had a stomach virus because this seemed different. He has been struggling to poop lately and I thought maybe this could be a blockage. To the children's ER we went. Two hours later we were home with a prescription for Zofran and a diagnosis of stomach flu.
Since Jack was feeling better, Cal and I went to our family celebration on New Year's Day. I needed to get out of the house for a bit after being cooped up for what felt like weeks. Life went on for another couple of days and I went back to work on Wednesday the 2nd.
When I logged off work on the 2nd I started feeling bad. Like nauseous and head spinning bad. At the very same time, Cal got fussy. By 6:00 Cal and I had both thrown up. Jack had gifted us both his lovely stomach bug.
It was a rough 8 hours. Cal and I were both sick and neither of us could keep food or any liquids down. I had an awful fever and diarrhea. Cal cried and cried and cried because he was so thirsty but we didn't want to give him much liquid at a time because we knew he would vomit it back up. Thank the Lord for Jason. He would hold Cal while I went to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach. He got Jack his dinner and put him in bed. He held Cal for a couple of hours so I could try and sleep.
At 1:00 in the morning, both Cal's and my fever broke and we both had managed to keep some liquids down. I held Cal in bed and he slept like a log until 4:00, woke briefly for some juice and then went back to sleep.
The next few days were touch and go. We were all so weak from being sick off and on and we had to modify the kiddos' diet so they weren't consuming any milk since milk is so harsh on their stomach when they have a bug. Most days the kids didn't throw up. They have a couple of times here and there but we are feeding them such mild foods so their tummies don't revolt.
Now? We are slowly getting better. We all still have the trots and I am on medication for a sinus infection. Other than that, we are slowly starting to feel better. Please everyone cross your fingers that none of us get sick again. I can't handle any more damn illness!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Thursday Mish Mash
I am forcing myself to post today even though I am in a "bleh" mood.
* I am crabby and cranky and have no patience today. I realized why. I forgot to take my pill last night. I need to stop doing that! This has also proved that in no uncertain terms can I go off my depression medication any time soon.
* Cal is sleeping terrible at night and I think it's my fault. He goes down in his Rock N Play at first but at some point, wakes up and I bring him to bed with us. I have no idea when/what time this occurs. My body is on auto-pilot and when Cal fusses, in my stupor, I reach over and grab him. I probably don't feed him enough which causes him to wake up more often at night. My plan for tonight is to put the RNP on the other side of the bed so I am forced to get up out of bed and actually wake up. This will encourage me to give him a full bottle so he sleeps for longer periods. Let's hope it works.
* Jack ate eggs today. That warrants a post of its own but seriously, eggs! He requested eggs for lunch and Jason made him an egg and cheese omelette. He ate about a third of the egg and all of the cheese. I consider this a huge accomplishment!
* I made this delicious recipe last night for dinner. The only thing I would do differently next time is add an additional cup of water. My recipe was way thicker and I think that's because I didn't puree the beans with a cup of water. So so so good!
* I signed up for Weight Watchers! I am really excited about this. I am tired of feeling like a frumpy mom. Since I don't get dressed up for work I feel like I have lost my identity. Losing some weight and feeling better about myself should help with this. I calculated my Points and because I am pumping/breastfeeding, I get 49 daily Points! Holy cow that's a lot! I am hoping to post my progress on this blog. I am kind of nervous to post my starting weight. It's very embarrassing. Let's just say that my eating has been out of control since I use the excuse "I am breastfeeding".
* The weather here has been so nice. It inspired me to focus on getting the backyard in order for summer. I bit the bullet and ordered Jack a climbing structure and a water table. Those should be here any day. And, I think we are going to buy this lawn furniture set. I see some barbeques and entertaining in our future!
* Tomorrow, our house will be sparkling clean. A company of the same name (Sparkling Clean) is going to come and deep clean our house. It's so needed. Our house isn't a pit but some parts have been neglected. They quoted me an initial cleaning of 7-8 hours at $25/hour. After that, they will come monthly for four hours. I believe they are going to be doing those things that I just don't have time for: Cleaning the oven, dusting the ceiling fans, cleaning the baseboards, washing windows, wiping down the cabinets, etc. I can't tell you how ridiculously excited this makes me.
* Like I stated before, I am feeling "bleh". I have no motivation today, just want to eat crap and do nothing. It's because I didn't take my pill. That being said, I think I am going to insist on ordering pizza for dinner tonight. I do not feel like cooking. I hope my mood picks up soon.
That's all for now. Hopefully I will have a nice post in the next couple of days about the state of our clean house and nice yard.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Woe Is Me
I am feeling sorry for myself lately. If you read my blog, you realize that I hardly complain about my husband or our funky schedules. Until today. It's really wearing on me. Some background: I work a normal (mostly) schedule of Monday through Friday from about 7:00am to 3:00pm. My husband works Monday through Friday from 3:00pm to 11:00pm. We have held this schedule for years and I am used to it.
What this means is that I don't see my husband at all, or very little during the week. Maybe a few minutes in the morning when we are ships passing in the night. Since he sleeps in on the weekends, we only get to see each other for a few hours on the weekend.
It sucks.
I am feeling more and more like a single parent these days. I get Jack up in the morning, get him ready, drive him to daycare, pick him up, feed him dinner, give him bath, put him to bed and deal with the whole sleep issue. I do all of the housework. Really, all of it. The only thing that my husband does is take the trash cans down to the curb. He doesn't take out the trash, I do that. Often, he will make himself a meal at night (when Jack and I are sleeping), and leave the dishes in the sink for me to do.
I am tired. I have a huge amount of respect for single moms. They work so hard. I am feeling a touch of that lately. In all fairness, single moms have it harder than me. I at least have a tiny bit of help on the weekends, and we do share about each other's day and are a team when it comes to parenting in general.
My husband goes out with his friends every Sunday night. I would prefer he stay home so he can have more time with his son since he only sees him for a few hours a week. But, I say nothing. It's important to him to spend some time with his buddies and I respect that. But again, I am tired, and *I* want some time with *my* friends.
This is the life I knew when I got pregnant. We have had this same schedule for years, but occasionally, it wears on me.
I feel like an insensitive bitch because I know someone very close to me that has her husband leave for a whole different state every Monday and doesn't come home until Friday. And I never once hear her complain.
I want to have dinner with my husband and our child like most families do. I would love to be able to clean the house together on the weekends, or go out to breakfast. Or heck, maybe take the baby to the zoo before 4:00 in the afternoon as a family. I do these things alone. I take Jack on outings all the time.
Yes, I sound like a cry baby. I will be over it soon. Maybe.
What this means is that I don't see my husband at all, or very little during the week. Maybe a few minutes in the morning when we are ships passing in the night. Since he sleeps in on the weekends, we only get to see each other for a few hours on the weekend.
It sucks.
I am feeling more and more like a single parent these days. I get Jack up in the morning, get him ready, drive him to daycare, pick him up, feed him dinner, give him bath, put him to bed and deal with the whole sleep issue. I do all of the housework. Really, all of it. The only thing that my husband does is take the trash cans down to the curb. He doesn't take out the trash, I do that. Often, he will make himself a meal at night (when Jack and I are sleeping), and leave the dishes in the sink for me to do.
I am tired. I have a huge amount of respect for single moms. They work so hard. I am feeling a touch of that lately. In all fairness, single moms have it harder than me. I at least have a tiny bit of help on the weekends, and we do share about each other's day and are a team when it comes to parenting in general.
My husband goes out with his friends every Sunday night. I would prefer he stay home so he can have more time with his son since he only sees him for a few hours a week. But, I say nothing. It's important to him to spend some time with his buddies and I respect that. But again, I am tired, and *I* want some time with *my* friends.
This is the life I knew when I got pregnant. We have had this same schedule for years, but occasionally, it wears on me.
I feel like an insensitive bitch because I know someone very close to me that has her husband leave for a whole different state every Monday and doesn't come home until Friday. And I never once hear her complain.
I want to have dinner with my husband and our child like most families do. I would love to be able to clean the house together on the weekends, or go out to breakfast. Or heck, maybe take the baby to the zoo before 4:00 in the afternoon as a family. I do these things alone. I take Jack on outings all the time.
Yes, I sound like a cry baby. I will be over it soon. Maybe.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Annoying
Yes, I realize this is going to sound like a whiney post, but it's really not meant to be. We can't all have cute, perfect and wonderful babies 100% of the time. I am sure you can also name a few things that your baby or child does that is annoying.
Here are my annoyances:
* Jack throws things away. I often find his cup, puzzle pieces or his blocks in such places as the recycling bin, garbage can or (ick) his diaper pail. Most of the time it's not an issue, but there have been instances where I am just not reaching into a diaper pail for a block. He has a billion more just like it.
* When he's tired, he lets you know by shoving his hand down your shirt. While this is cute sometimes, and a good way of letting me know, it's kind of obnoxious when it occurs in public. Oh when he does it to your mother-in-law. Awkward!
* He doesn't eat much. Once in a while, he will eat like a porker, but normally, he picks like a bird. This makes it incredibly difficult to know how much to make him for a meal. I don't cook during the week, so he gets special dinners or nibbles on things like eggs and cheese, or veggies.
* Lately, he has separation anxiety issues. Which in itself isn't annoying. I know they go through stages. However, when I need my "me" time, which is not often, it seems to coincide with his anxiety. I try dropping him off at the church nursery every Sunday and most times, he cries or is extremely happy the entire time. I can't concentrate on my worship time when I am trying to entertain a baby.
* He is starting the tantrum phase. If you take him away from something he wants (the entertainment center components, the garbage can, the cat dishes), he pitches a fit. Not cute buddy. I know he's just trying to show his independence and strong will, but it's hard sometimes.
* When Jack gets a hold of something he's not supposed to have, he takes off running with it. Okay, so this one is slightly cute. At least I get some exercise out of the deal by chasing after him.
So he's not perfect, but he's pretty darn cute and smart. What annoying things do your kiddos do?
Here are my annoyances:
* Jack throws things away. I often find his cup, puzzle pieces or his blocks in such places as the recycling bin, garbage can or (ick) his diaper pail. Most of the time it's not an issue, but there have been instances where I am just not reaching into a diaper pail for a block. He has a billion more just like it.
* When he's tired, he lets you know by shoving his hand down your shirt. While this is cute sometimes, and a good way of letting me know, it's kind of obnoxious when it occurs in public. Oh when he does it to your mother-in-law. Awkward!
* He doesn't eat much. Once in a while, he will eat like a porker, but normally, he picks like a bird. This makes it incredibly difficult to know how much to make him for a meal. I don't cook during the week, so he gets special dinners or nibbles on things like eggs and cheese, or veggies.
* Lately, he has separation anxiety issues. Which in itself isn't annoying. I know they go through stages. However, when I need my "me" time, which is not often, it seems to coincide with his anxiety. I try dropping him off at the church nursery every Sunday and most times, he cries or is extremely happy the entire time. I can't concentrate on my worship time when I am trying to entertain a baby.
* He is starting the tantrum phase. If you take him away from something he wants (the entertainment center components, the garbage can, the cat dishes), he pitches a fit. Not cute buddy. I know he's just trying to show his independence and strong will, but it's hard sometimes.
* When Jack gets a hold of something he's not supposed to have, he takes off running with it. Okay, so this one is slightly cute. At least I get some exercise out of the deal by chasing after him.
So he's not perfect, but he's pretty darn cute and smart. What annoying things do your kiddos do?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Rough Week
This week was well.......trying. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either.
It started out Monday with an ear infection for Jack. We didn't even know he had it, but honestly, if it had gone on much longer, he would have made it known. Especially since the last two times he had them he woke up in the night screaming. I am glad it didn't get to that point.
Wednesday, I made mention that I was sick. Well, it got progressively worse throughout the day. Thursday, I felt like death warmed over but I had to go to work. My entire body ached, I was extremely dizzy and just wanted to sleep. But I could. I had to work. The evening didn't prove much better. What is it about when you don't feel well? Certain people (cough, cough: Jack: cough, cough) were acting very very naughty. I pulled him out of the cat food dishes countless times while trying not to pass out from dizziness. He threw his bottle in the trash. Threw toys at me (not cute when they almost pean you in the face), fussed, and wouldn't go to sleep. All Mommy wanted was a cup of tea, but I couldn't have my cup in the near vicinity of baby hands.
On Thursday night, Jack slept like crap, which means Mommy slept like crap. This does not help the cold get better. Oh well, trudge on to work. Jack went to Nana's and I went to the office. I couldn't make it past 10:30. I had to go home. I felt awful and was extremely unproductive.
Friday night, Jack slept even worse. It was pretty clear to me that either his ear infection was getting worse, or something else was going on. I wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke, so I observed him all day. He tugged at his ear pretty much every time he layed down. He didn't nap well. He didn't eat all too spectacularly, other than the massive amount of grapes that he inhaled. He was squirmy at our tax appointment and he didn't go to sleep very easily.
It's now Sunday. Jack slept pretty well last night, but that's only because I slept with him propped up so he wasn't laying down completely. I didn't want the pressure in his ears to get painful. He also was medicated with Tylenol. Now say what you will about giving children pain medication, but you are not me. I am sorry, I find it cruel that when a baby is in pain, you don't give them anything for it. When I am in pain, I take an Advil. Why should it be any different for my baby?
I called the pediatrician after church and explained that the medication wasn't working. I shouldn't be surprised since it didn't work the last time either. Apparently my child has an immunity to Amoxicillin. Thank God Jack's pediatrician was the one on call so she phoned in the prescription that worked last time: Omnicef. It's very strong. Go with what works right?
Today was rough. Jack took a grand total of one 30 minute nap from the time he woke up at 6:45 until about 4:15. We finally got him down for a nap at 4:15 after giving him some more Tylenol. It's the first dose he has had since last night. It became very clear he needed it when he was rubbing his ears and crying when you tried to lay him down in your arms for a nap. Poor baby.
I really hate that my child is sick. I could give a damn that I am. I just want HIM to feel better. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest when he cries in pain. I have always been sensitive, but it's magnified now that I have a child. Anything having to do with Jack, I get very sensitive and touchy.
Please pray that this medication works. If it doesn't, there aren't too many options left for drugs that are more powerful. Plus, there is the worry about ear tubes. But, I can't let my mind go there.
It started out Monday with an ear infection for Jack. We didn't even know he had it, but honestly, if it had gone on much longer, he would have made it known. Especially since the last two times he had them he woke up in the night screaming. I am glad it didn't get to that point.
Wednesday, I made mention that I was sick. Well, it got progressively worse throughout the day. Thursday, I felt like death warmed over but I had to go to work. My entire body ached, I was extremely dizzy and just wanted to sleep. But I could. I had to work. The evening didn't prove much better. What is it about when you don't feel well? Certain people (cough, cough: Jack: cough, cough) were acting very very naughty. I pulled him out of the cat food dishes countless times while trying not to pass out from dizziness. He threw his bottle in the trash. Threw toys at me (not cute when they almost pean you in the face), fussed, and wouldn't go to sleep. All Mommy wanted was a cup of tea, but I couldn't have my cup in the near vicinity of baby hands.
On Thursday night, Jack slept like crap, which means Mommy slept like crap. This does not help the cold get better. Oh well, trudge on to work. Jack went to Nana's and I went to the office. I couldn't make it past 10:30. I had to go home. I felt awful and was extremely unproductive.
Friday night, Jack slept even worse. It was pretty clear to me that either his ear infection was getting worse, or something else was going on. I wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke, so I observed him all day. He tugged at his ear pretty much every time he layed down. He didn't nap well. He didn't eat all too spectacularly, other than the massive amount of grapes that he inhaled. He was squirmy at our tax appointment and he didn't go to sleep very easily.
It's now Sunday. Jack slept pretty well last night, but that's only because I slept with him propped up so he wasn't laying down completely. I didn't want the pressure in his ears to get painful. He also was medicated with Tylenol. Now say what you will about giving children pain medication, but you are not me. I am sorry, I find it cruel that when a baby is in pain, you don't give them anything for it. When I am in pain, I take an Advil. Why should it be any different for my baby?
I called the pediatrician after church and explained that the medication wasn't working. I shouldn't be surprised since it didn't work the last time either. Apparently my child has an immunity to Amoxicillin. Thank God Jack's pediatrician was the one on call so she phoned in the prescription that worked last time: Omnicef. It's very strong. Go with what works right?
Today was rough. Jack took a grand total of one 30 minute nap from the time he woke up at 6:45 until about 4:15. We finally got him down for a nap at 4:15 after giving him some more Tylenol. It's the first dose he has had since last night. It became very clear he needed it when he was rubbing his ears and crying when you tried to lay him down in your arms for a nap. Poor baby.
I really hate that my child is sick. I could give a damn that I am. I just want HIM to feel better. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest when he cries in pain. I have always been sensitive, but it's magnified now that I have a child. Anything having to do with Jack, I get very sensitive and touchy.
Please pray that this medication works. If it doesn't, there aren't too many options left for drugs that are more powerful. Plus, there is the worry about ear tubes. But, I can't let my mind go there.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I Hate My Body
I realize that I shouldn't complain, after all, my body is at least working. But I am getting my first post-partum period. Almost a week ago, I had the telltale signs of ovulation.
Now, I am spotting.
I guess it was only a matter of time. I heard the first one is awful.
You may find me curled up in the fetal position tomorrow.
Now, I am spotting.
I guess it was only a matter of time. I heard the first one is awful.
You may find me curled up in the fetal position tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Happy Post
Not really. This is going to be a hard post for many to read, but it's my blog so I can write what I want.
Motherhood is hard. I knew this before I got pregnant, but what I didn't realize is how hard it would be. I had unrealistic expectations about how my "new" Mommy life would be.
I need to preface this by saying that I love my son more than life itself. I wouldn't change him or the fact that I have him for anything.
I sometimes miss parts of my old life. These days, I don't have time to read a book, cook dinner during the week or even take a bath. I was a selfish person before having a baby and I am sure I have a lot of that selfishness still in my persona. I literally have no time for myself. Since Jason works swing, I take care of Jack during the week after work. Add in an extremely fussy and unhappy baby, and it's very taxing. My child doesn't nap very well so I can't get anything done. He does sleep at night, but wakes every 90 minutes. I have "windows" of time to get anything done. I have to hold Jack most of his awake time so this is difficult to get anything done.
I sound awful don't I? I wish I had known before having a baby that there was a possibility that my baby wouldn't feel good most days and that he wouldn't nap for more than 30 minutes at a time. He wouldn't like being put down very much and when he is down, it's for a short period of time. It was a huge shock to me to have a baby that isn't on any sort of schedule.
It's not lazy parenting either. Don't try and say that I can put my child on a schedule because HE sets the schedule. He doesn't eat much at a time so he has to eat often. I can't force him to wait longer or drink more at meals. That just isn't happening. And I refuse to let my child cry it out at night to make him sleep longer either. He's waking up for a reason: He's hungry.
I did not expect these things when I got pregnant. Yes, I knew that my sleep and "me" time would be limited. But, I also was kind of hoping that I could have some parts of my old life too. I haven't gotten a massage since well before he was born. I have not gone out with friends at all. Not even to lunch or to see a movie. I am invited, but often times, I can't arrange childcare. I don't have time to garden. I used to have a huge, beautiful vegetable garden every summer. Not this year.
Where is my husband you ask? My husband is working when I am awake. When he's home from work and awake, I am sleeping. Yes, I receive help from him at night. He takes care of Jack so I can get my 7 hours of sleep (which is broken into segments by the way). I can't expect my husband to get up early so I can go galavanting with my friends. That isn't fair to him.
I am not sure what the point of this post is other than I miss some things. I miss being able to sit on the couch on Friday night, eat a leisurely dinner and read gossip magazines. I miss time with my friends. I miss sleeping in on the weekends.
But you know what? I chose this. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I also know it won't last forever. My child will eventually feel better, sleep through the night and maybe sleep past 5:00am so I can sleep in on the weekend.
I love Jack more than anything, but I also love me and I don't feel like I have nurtured myself at all. I need to take care of myself and people tell me this often. I might listen eventually. And when I can arrange a babysitter.
Motherhood is hard. I knew this before I got pregnant, but what I didn't realize is how hard it would be. I had unrealistic expectations about how my "new" Mommy life would be.
I need to preface this by saying that I love my son more than life itself. I wouldn't change him or the fact that I have him for anything.
I sometimes miss parts of my old life. These days, I don't have time to read a book, cook dinner during the week or even take a bath. I was a selfish person before having a baby and I am sure I have a lot of that selfishness still in my persona. I literally have no time for myself. Since Jason works swing, I take care of Jack during the week after work. Add in an extremely fussy and unhappy baby, and it's very taxing. My child doesn't nap very well so I can't get anything done. He does sleep at night, but wakes every 90 minutes. I have "windows" of time to get anything done. I have to hold Jack most of his awake time so this is difficult to get anything done.
I sound awful don't I? I wish I had known before having a baby that there was a possibility that my baby wouldn't feel good most days and that he wouldn't nap for more than 30 minutes at a time. He wouldn't like being put down very much and when he is down, it's for a short period of time. It was a huge shock to me to have a baby that isn't on any sort of schedule.
It's not lazy parenting either. Don't try and say that I can put my child on a schedule because HE sets the schedule. He doesn't eat much at a time so he has to eat often. I can't force him to wait longer or drink more at meals. That just isn't happening. And I refuse to let my child cry it out at night to make him sleep longer either. He's waking up for a reason: He's hungry.
I did not expect these things when I got pregnant. Yes, I knew that my sleep and "me" time would be limited. But, I also was kind of hoping that I could have some parts of my old life too. I haven't gotten a massage since well before he was born. I have not gone out with friends at all. Not even to lunch or to see a movie. I am invited, but often times, I can't arrange childcare. I don't have time to garden. I used to have a huge, beautiful vegetable garden every summer. Not this year.
Where is my husband you ask? My husband is working when I am awake. When he's home from work and awake, I am sleeping. Yes, I receive help from him at night. He takes care of Jack so I can get my 7 hours of sleep (which is broken into segments by the way). I can't expect my husband to get up early so I can go galavanting with my friends. That isn't fair to him.
I am not sure what the point of this post is other than I miss some things. I miss being able to sit on the couch on Friday night, eat a leisurely dinner and read gossip magazines. I miss time with my friends. I miss sleeping in on the weekends.
But you know what? I chose this. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I also know it won't last forever. My child will eventually feel better, sleep through the night and maybe sleep past 5:00am so I can sleep in on the weekend.
I love Jack more than anything, but I also love me and I don't feel like I have nurtured myself at all. I need to take care of myself and people tell me this often. I might listen eventually. And when I can arrange a babysitter.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Annoying Advice
We all get it right? That advice that makes you roll your eyes. The advice that you take politely but immediately dismiss. When I get annoying advice, it makes me mad. Especially when that advice eludes to the idea I might be doing something wrong as a mother.
I think not. I want to tell my coworkers to shove it. I want to be able to stand up to the critics and tell them that what I am doing as a mom is working for not only my child, but for my husband and I. I am not in a hurry to get him to do things that he's not ready for.
And if I hear any more comparisons to other children I am going to scream. "Oh my son had bad gas. Maybe that is what Jack has?". "Oh as soon as I put John on formula, he slept through the night. Maybe you should try that".
Le sigh. I know people are probably trying to be helpful, but this annoying and unwanted advice is going to make me go batshit crazy.
"Is Jack sleeping through the night?" When I say no, I get all kinds of advice about starting him on formula or putting cereal in his bottle.
"Do you have him on a schedule?" Again, no. People seemed shocked or tell me that I better put him on one because he won't be happy, reach his milestones, etc. All kinds of bullshit (sorry).
It bothers me that people question my parenting style when I explain that Jack doesn't sleep through the night or isn't on a schedule. These are the two things I get asked most and they very much irk me. My child has reflux and doesn't eat very much at a sitting. This makes it not only hard for him to sleep, but makes it even harder for him to be on a schedule. He has a loose schedule and he has the same bed and wake time every day. Apparently that isn't enough for some Judgey McJudgersons out there.
Putting cereal in his bottle, giving him solids, forcing him onto a schedule, letting him cry it out when he wakes in the middle of the night, giving him formula......None of this are things I want for my child and people have a hard time understanding this.
These suggestions make me feel like I am being judged or my parenting style is being questioned. I am sure I get the side-eye from some of my coworkers and family members but you know what? My baby is happy and healthy. That is all that matters. None of the crap advice should.
I am still bothered by it though.
Does this child look like he's struggling or miserable?
I think not. I want to tell my coworkers to shove it. I want to be able to stand up to the critics and tell them that what I am doing as a mom is working for not only my child, but for my husband and I. I am not in a hurry to get him to do things that he's not ready for.
And if I hear any more comparisons to other children I am going to scream. "Oh my son had bad gas. Maybe that is what Jack has?". "Oh as soon as I put John on formula, he slept through the night. Maybe you should try that".
Le sigh. I know people are probably trying to be helpful, but this annoying and unwanted advice is going to make me go batshit crazy.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Boob Post
This is not what you expect, but a boob post nonetheless.
I have always had an issue with the girls standing at attention. In high school, some of the guy's nickname for me was Nipples. Not a flattering nickname. Ever since then, I have worn super duper padded bras so the weather centers wouldn't predict cold. Working at Victoria's Secret for a period of time was awesome because I could be picky about the bras I wore making sure the nips weren't exposed.
Since I have been pumping exclusively, the girls have been.....how should I say this? Erect. No matter how much padding is in my bra, they are extremely noticeable. Even with my nursing pads, the girls are blinding.
Now here is where I am going to vent. Why must everyone STARE? It's so incredibly annoying. Men, women, dogs, everyone just stares at my boobs. I know they are distracting people. I know that I appear cold. I can't help it. I just want to scream at them "STOP IT!". Even at work, people's eyes automatically gravitate to my chest. I cannot wear bulky sweaters since it's now June. I can't fathom adding more padding to my bras. They are already padded enough.
What is a girl to do? I want my girls to be un-noticeable. The attention that my boobs are getting is not the attention I would prefer to get.
If anyone has any solutions, I would love to hear it. I may have to resort to wearing three sports bras at once if this doesn't resolve itself soon.
I have always had an issue with the girls standing at attention. In high school, some of the guy's nickname for me was Nipples. Not a flattering nickname. Ever since then, I have worn super duper padded bras so the weather centers wouldn't predict cold. Working at Victoria's Secret for a period of time was awesome because I could be picky about the bras I wore making sure the nips weren't exposed.
Since I have been pumping exclusively, the girls have been.....how should I say this? Erect. No matter how much padding is in my bra, they are extremely noticeable. Even with my nursing pads, the girls are blinding.
Now here is where I am going to vent. Why must everyone STARE? It's so incredibly annoying. Men, women, dogs, everyone just stares at my boobs. I know they are distracting people. I know that I appear cold. I can't help it. I just want to scream at them "STOP IT!". Even at work, people's eyes automatically gravitate to my chest. I cannot wear bulky sweaters since it's now June. I can't fathom adding more padding to my bras. They are already padded enough.
What is a girl to do? I want my girls to be un-noticeable. The attention that my boobs are getting is not the attention I would prefer to get.
If anyone has any solutions, I would love to hear it. I may have to resort to wearing three sports bras at once if this doesn't resolve itself soon.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Unpopular Opinions
I frequent a message board and occasionally, ladies will post unpopular opinions about having children. Rather than contribute to the thread, I would rather post my opinions here. I will now put on my flame-retardant suit.
* I cannot stand women that judge regarding childcare. If you are a stay-at-home mom, don't judge me for putting my child in daycare. If you put your child in daycare, don't judge the stay-at-home moms. Child care is a personal decision and you need to do what's right for your family.
* Formula isn't evil. It's food. Many babies have been on formula and guess what? They turned out just fine.
* I think a little television for kids is okay. Heck, Jack watched a little bit of Sesame Street this morning and he loved it! I am not a bad mom. It's not like I am plopping him in front of the tv as a babysitter for hours a day.
* I had a medicated birth. That being said, I HATE women who act all holier-than-thou about having a med-free birth. You are not better than me. You are not even necessarily stronger than me. You just chose a different birth plan, that's all.
There, that feels better. I am sure I can think of more, but right now, I am done.
* I cannot stand women that judge regarding childcare. If you are a stay-at-home mom, don't judge me for putting my child in daycare. If you put your child in daycare, don't judge the stay-at-home moms. Child care is a personal decision and you need to do what's right for your family.
* Formula isn't evil. It's food. Many babies have been on formula and guess what? They turned out just fine.
* I think a little television for kids is okay. Heck, Jack watched a little bit of Sesame Street this morning and he loved it! I am not a bad mom. It's not like I am plopping him in front of the tv as a babysitter for hours a day.
* I had a medicated birth. That being said, I HATE women who act all holier-than-thou about having a med-free birth. You are not better than me. You are not even necessarily stronger than me. You just chose a different birth plan, that's all.
There, that feels better. I am sure I can think of more, but right now, I am done.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I Attract Crazies
Today, I am already emotional. Jack's reflux is acting up, he isn't napping and he is in pain. I just want to cry.
I needed to go to Target for some diapers and I about had a nervous breakdown. First off, he got really upset when I turned the car off. He doesn't usually do that. I had to sit in the backseat, take him out of his carseat and calm him down. Poor little man. He was just so tired that he fell asleep in my arms. I put him back in his seat and we were on our way.
Since he was napping, I took my time at Target. It was quiet in there and I wanted to just enjoy my stroll.
I bought some of those pre-made formula bottles. Jack hasn't gotten formula before (although I have been tempted many a time due to all our issues) but I wanted to get these for an emergency situation. We are going on a long plane ride in two weeks and in case my supply tanks or I am not able to pump for some unforseen reason, I wanted to be prepared. Nothing wrong with planning for emergencies right?
As I was leaving the aisle, this woman looks at extremely sad and says "Formula isn't good for babies you know".
How do you even respond to something like that? She doesn't know my situation or all the struggles we have had. She doesn't know that I was buying them for a plane ride and most likely won't be using them anyways. SHE SHOULD MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
I said nothing. I just walked away. Later, when I got to the car, the stress of the day got to me and I cried.
There is nothing wrong with formula feeding your baby. And how dare a stranger try to suggest that there is. The fact that I am feeding my baby is the most important thing. It doesn't matter how I am feeding him.
I am trying not to be bothered by this, but I truly am. Why would a stranger feel the need to comment about my parenting? F you lady at Target.
I needed to go to Target for some diapers and I about had a nervous breakdown. First off, he got really upset when I turned the car off. He doesn't usually do that. I had to sit in the backseat, take him out of his carseat and calm him down. Poor little man. He was just so tired that he fell asleep in my arms. I put him back in his seat and we were on our way.
Since he was napping, I took my time at Target. It was quiet in there and I wanted to just enjoy my stroll.
I bought some of those pre-made formula bottles. Jack hasn't gotten formula before (although I have been tempted many a time due to all our issues) but I wanted to get these for an emergency situation. We are going on a long plane ride in two weeks and in case my supply tanks or I am not able to pump for some unforseen reason, I wanted to be prepared. Nothing wrong with planning for emergencies right?
As I was leaving the aisle, this woman looks at extremely sad and says "Formula isn't good for babies you know".
How do you even respond to something like that? She doesn't know my situation or all the struggles we have had. She doesn't know that I was buying them for a plane ride and most likely won't be using them anyways. SHE SHOULD MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
I said nothing. I just walked away. Later, when I got to the car, the stress of the day got to me and I cried.
There is nothing wrong with formula feeding your baby. And how dare a stranger try to suggest that there is. The fact that I am feeding my baby is the most important thing. It doesn't matter how I am feeding him.
I am trying not to be bothered by this, but I truly am. Why would a stranger feel the need to comment about my parenting? F you lady at Target.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
No Touchie!
Today I took the wee one to the mall so mommy could have some retail therapy. I was on the lookout for some jeans that didn't emphasize the flappy belly I now have. I also just like getting out of the house every day. It keeps me sane.
The mall wasn't very busy, which was nice. I started out our trip with a visit to my favorite place on earth, Starbucks. While waiting for my coffee, some weirdo decided she wanted to get very very close to Jack and his stroller.
"Oh what an adorable baby! How old is he?". I tell her and she then proceeds to start to touch him.
Oh no you didn't!
"Excuse me, do I know you?" I ask. She says no. So I say "Please don't touch my baby then since I don't know you". I think she was a little miffed, but whatever. For all I know, she could have rabies or some weird communicable disease. My mama bear instinct definitely came out.
Our shopping trip was a success other than that bizarre incident. We visited Auntie Carrie at work, I found new jeans (on sale actually) and some other fun things.
You know what is the best though? Just how many people commented on how cute Jack was. It makes me feel good knowing that we made such a cute baby. Good for the ego you know? It's even cuter when teenage boys comment. I stopped counting, but I think there had to be 10 different people that said how sweet/cute/adorable/gorgeous he was.
That's nice, but just don't touch him.
The mall wasn't very busy, which was nice. I started out our trip with a visit to my favorite place on earth, Starbucks. While waiting for my coffee, some weirdo decided she wanted to get very very close to Jack and his stroller.
"Oh what an adorable baby! How old is he?". I tell her and she then proceeds to start to touch him.
Oh no you didn't!
"Excuse me, do I know you?" I ask. She says no. So I say "Please don't touch my baby then since I don't know you". I think she was a little miffed, but whatever. For all I know, she could have rabies or some weird communicable disease. My mama bear instinct definitely came out.
Our shopping trip was a success other than that bizarre incident. We visited Auntie Carrie at work, I found new jeans (on sale actually) and some other fun things.
You know what is the best though? Just how many people commented on how cute Jack was. It makes me feel good knowing that we made such a cute baby. Good for the ego you know? It's even cuter when teenage boys comment. I stopped counting, but I think there had to be 10 different people that said how sweet/cute/adorable/gorgeous he was.
That's nice, but just don't touch him.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Nobody is Listening!
It is no secret that the wee one is very gassy and has his "time" during the day. It is from 6:00 to 8:00pm every night. Like clock work. It's almost like the baby thieves come to my house and replace Jack with another baby that looks identical to him but is very very cranky.
I am very aware that he is fussy. I never assumed it was colic, although he fits all the symptoms and signs. He doesn't scream for hours on end so I brushed off the thought of colic. However, I can't deny it anymore. My kid has colic, even if he doesn't scream.
During this time, I literally cannot put him down. If I do, screaming and crying ensue. I have to bounce, rock, pat, burp, and snuggle with him. Tonight, I couldn't even get my shirt back on after our bath. As soon as I got his diaper on, he started fussing. I threw my sports bra on and called it good. So for the next hour, I had a drooling, cranky, sweaty baby smashed up against me. Don't get me wrong, it's fine. I actually like the sweaty snuggles.
Mama can't eat dinner. This would require me to put Jack down which cannot happen. I either eat before 6:00 if this is possible (which it's usually not) or after 9:00 when he goes down for bed.
The purpose of my post was to vent about the doctor. Jack's fussy time has gotten much worse over the past few days. So bad that he's now fussy almost the entire day. He has bad gas anyways so this doesn't help. For the past three days, I have had to help him poop and fart by pumping his legs. He won't eat more than about 2 ounces at a time from his bottle and he eats every 90 minutes or so. He also won't nap very well.
I called the on-call pediatrician tonight thinking that maybe this wasn't his regular fussiness and maybe there was something actually wrong.
I have never felt so incredibly stupid or demeaned in my entire life. She made me feel like a complete moron.
She insisted that it was just colic and that lots of moms go through it. Also, she kept saying that by 8 weeks it should start to get better. Okay folks, Jack is 10 weeks. It's getting WORSE not BETTER. The pedi didn't understand this. She also "reminded" me that when babies are Jack's age, they are still relatively tired most of the day.
"If he goes more than 2 hours of being awake, he needs to sleep". Okay lady, let me just flip that switch and maybe he will magically sleep. It doesn't work that way. She also suggested that his eating every 90 minutes could be corrected. She told me to hold off on his feedings until he reaches 3 hours.
Let me explain: Jack fills up with gas during his feedings. Even during breastfeeding, he gets so much air. As a result, he only gets a couple of ounces. That also means that when he gets burped and all the air finally resolves itself, he is hungry again. That usually is every hour to 90 minutes. I am absolutely not going to try and make him wait another 2 hours if he's hungry. That is just cruel and mean.
I really felt like the doctor wasn't listening to me. Something is wrong with my son. Even if it's just severe gas, something is wrong. Nothing works and she was telling me really lame things like "Well try gas drops". Gee, I never would have thought of that?!
I just want my baby to feel better. I miss him being happy and smiley during the day. Now, he's cranky, uncomfortable and just generally grumpy.
I want someone to listen and tell me that it gets better. Does it get better?
I am very aware that he is fussy. I never assumed it was colic, although he fits all the symptoms and signs. He doesn't scream for hours on end so I brushed off the thought of colic. However, I can't deny it anymore. My kid has colic, even if he doesn't scream.
During this time, I literally cannot put him down. If I do, screaming and crying ensue. I have to bounce, rock, pat, burp, and snuggle with him. Tonight, I couldn't even get my shirt back on after our bath. As soon as I got his diaper on, he started fussing. I threw my sports bra on and called it good. So for the next hour, I had a drooling, cranky, sweaty baby smashed up against me. Don't get me wrong, it's fine. I actually like the sweaty snuggles.
Mama can't eat dinner. This would require me to put Jack down which cannot happen. I either eat before 6:00 if this is possible (which it's usually not) or after 9:00 when he goes down for bed.
The purpose of my post was to vent about the doctor. Jack's fussy time has gotten much worse over the past few days. So bad that he's now fussy almost the entire day. He has bad gas anyways so this doesn't help. For the past three days, I have had to help him poop and fart by pumping his legs. He won't eat more than about 2 ounces at a time from his bottle and he eats every 90 minutes or so. He also won't nap very well.
I called the on-call pediatrician tonight thinking that maybe this wasn't his regular fussiness and maybe there was something actually wrong.
I have never felt so incredibly stupid or demeaned in my entire life. She made me feel like a complete moron.
She insisted that it was just colic and that lots of moms go through it. Also, she kept saying that by 8 weeks it should start to get better. Okay folks, Jack is 10 weeks. It's getting WORSE not BETTER. The pedi didn't understand this. She also "reminded" me that when babies are Jack's age, they are still relatively tired most of the day.
"If he goes more than 2 hours of being awake, he needs to sleep". Okay lady, let me just flip that switch and maybe he will magically sleep. It doesn't work that way. She also suggested that his eating every 90 minutes could be corrected. She told me to hold off on his feedings until he reaches 3 hours.
Let me explain: Jack fills up with gas during his feedings. Even during breastfeeding, he gets so much air. As a result, he only gets a couple of ounces. That also means that when he gets burped and all the air finally resolves itself, he is hungry again. That usually is every hour to 90 minutes. I am absolutely not going to try and make him wait another 2 hours if he's hungry. That is just cruel and mean.
I really felt like the doctor wasn't listening to me. Something is wrong with my son. Even if it's just severe gas, something is wrong. Nothing works and she was telling me really lame things like "Well try gas drops". Gee, I never would have thought of that?!
I just want my baby to feel better. I miss him being happy and smiley during the day. Now, he's cranky, uncomfortable and just generally grumpy.
I want someone to listen and tell me that it gets better. Does it get better?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Jealousy
I have been caught up in a lot of weird emotions lately. Mostly, I am jealous. Why you ask? Because I am feeling like a big fat failure when it comes to being a mom. So I am jealous of all the moms out there that aren't big fat failures.
Breastfeeding
I envy women who don't have issues breastfeeding. I have had plenty. Undersupply, oversupply, baby not being able to latch, having to use a nipple shield for a month, having a baby that is so gassy from sucking in air while nursing. I could keep going. So when I see women that have no issues, I am jealous. At church on Easter, there was a baby that was nursing. The mom was nursing right in the front row. Even if I had no issues with supply, Jack would never stand for that. He thrashes and flails while nursing so I have had problems even attempting to nurse him in public. I have stopped nursing him because my supply can't keep up anymore. I am still pumping, but even then I can't keep up. The freezer stash is slowly being depleted.
Supermoms
I am jealous of moms that have babies who nap. The moms that have immaculately clean houses and who can make dinner. I can't. Jack naps for an hour or so in the morning and then cat naps the rest of the day. When he does nap, I use that opportunity to shower and grab something to eat. During his cat naps in the afternoon, I blog or check my email. I am no supermom. My house is messy (for me), I don't make dinner because this falls right in Jack's fussy time, and I am lucky if I put on a shirt that doesn't resemble a dirty t-shirt. I hate all the supermoms out there. Really I do.
Good Boy
Jack is generally a good baby. However, he spends the majority of his day being so gassy that I do nothing but pump his legs, burp him, try to distract him from the gas, and just patting his back. He isn't naughty by any means, but he's just not happy. Today he was pretty happy in the morning but guess what? The gas caught up with him. Now he's grumpy and sleepy but not napping. I am jealous of those moms who have babies that they can take anywhere, do anything with, are constantly smiling and happy. That isn't my baby. I love him more than life itself, but I just feel so bad for him. He isn't a happy boy. It's because he is gassy and in pain.
There you have it. My enlightening, happy post for the day!
Breastfeeding
I envy women who don't have issues breastfeeding. I have had plenty. Undersupply, oversupply, baby not being able to latch, having to use a nipple shield for a month, having a baby that is so gassy from sucking in air while nursing. I could keep going. So when I see women that have no issues, I am jealous. At church on Easter, there was a baby that was nursing. The mom was nursing right in the front row. Even if I had no issues with supply, Jack would never stand for that. He thrashes and flails while nursing so I have had problems even attempting to nurse him in public. I have stopped nursing him because my supply can't keep up anymore. I am still pumping, but even then I can't keep up. The freezer stash is slowly being depleted.
Supermoms
I am jealous of moms that have babies who nap. The moms that have immaculately clean houses and who can make dinner. I can't. Jack naps for an hour or so in the morning and then cat naps the rest of the day. When he does nap, I use that opportunity to shower and grab something to eat. During his cat naps in the afternoon, I blog or check my email. I am no supermom. My house is messy (for me), I don't make dinner because this falls right in Jack's fussy time, and I am lucky if I put on a shirt that doesn't resemble a dirty t-shirt. I hate all the supermoms out there. Really I do.
Good Boy
Jack is generally a good baby. However, he spends the majority of his day being so gassy that I do nothing but pump his legs, burp him, try to distract him from the gas, and just patting his back. He isn't naughty by any means, but he's just not happy. Today he was pretty happy in the morning but guess what? The gas caught up with him. Now he's grumpy and sleepy but not napping. I am jealous of those moms who have babies that they can take anywhere, do anything with, are constantly smiling and happy. That isn't my baby. I love him more than life itself, but I just feel so bad for him. He isn't a happy boy. It's because he is gassy and in pain.
There you have it. My enlightening, happy post for the day!
Friday, April 2, 2010
I Hate Pills
I am sooooo tired of taking pills. I take way too many. I am not joking. Here is a run-down of what I have to swallow every day:
* 9 Fenugreek tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* 9 Blessed Thistle tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* Prenatal vitamin
* Birth control pill
That is 20 pills. That doesn't count the occasional Advil or Tylenol that I take.
I wish I could cut back, but honestly, I NEED them all. If I stop taking the Fenugreek or Blessed Thistle, my milk supply will tank. If I stop taking the prenatal, the small bit of vitamins and nutrition that I probably get will stop. If I stop taking the birth control, I could get pregnant. Although I am pretty sure you have to have sex in order to get pregnant.
Blasted, stupid pills.
* 9 Fenugreek tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* 9 Blessed Thistle tablets (3 pills three times a day)
* Prenatal vitamin
* Birth control pill
That is 20 pills. That doesn't count the occasional Advil or Tylenol that I take.
I wish I could cut back, but honestly, I NEED them all. If I stop taking the Fenugreek or Blessed Thistle, my milk supply will tank. If I stop taking the prenatal, the small bit of vitamins and nutrition that I probably get will stop. If I stop taking the birth control, I could get pregnant. Although I am pretty sure you have to have sex in order to get pregnant.
Blasted, stupid pills.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Dislike!
I posted many times during pregnancy about things I dislike. Well, being a new mom has brought a whole new crop of things I dislike. Here are just a smattering of them:
* When people compare my baby to their baby. It's even worse when these people's babies are old and grown up. Sorry, but when your baby was actually a baby the pilgrims were landing at Plymouth Rock. Don't compare Jack. He is his OWN person. Just because he isn't sleeping through the night/smiling/is constantly fussy/doesn't have a schedule, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him.
* Leaking. It's embarrassing when it happens when you are visiting your coworkers at your place of employment. Thank God someone noticed and told me. It's annoying when you wake up in the middle of the night to pump and realize your bra is already soaked. That could be a whole ounce soaked into my stupid bra. Oh well, at least I don't have a supply issue right now.
* People who are holier-than-thou about breastfeeding. You are not a better person or a better mommy just because you breastfeed. This is coming from someone who does breastfeed. If you have read my earlier posts, you will realize that this is not something that is easy or that I particularly enjoy. If you choose to formula feed, go for it! I do not judge you. Heck, there are days I want to throw in the towel and do the same. I will never try and convince someone to breastfeed. It's a personal decision and other people need to butt the heck out.
* Disorganization. I am a very clean and organized person. Well, scratch that. WAS. I was a clean and organized person. I don't have time anymore. Yes, I could probably be vaccuuming right now instead of typing, but oh well. Being on the interwebs is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane. I wish I had more time to clean and scrub my house. It's clean, just not as clean as I would like it. You probably don't want to eat off my kitchen floor right now, although my counters are fine.
* Pregnancy carpal tunnel. Apparently my body doesn't understand that I am no longer pregnant. I still have my carpal tunnel. Most days I am fine. Today, it sucks. I wish it would go away but until it does, you might notice more typos than normal.
To wrap up this wonderfully inspirational post, I will now post something that I love. I don't post nearly enough pictures.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Feeling Inadequate
This is how I am feeling today in a nutshell. I feel like a bad mommy or an inept mommy. I haven't done anything in particular, it's just my self-esteem kicking in.
We went for a visit to my aunt and uncle's yesterday to meet my cousin's baby who is 5 months old. We actually went today to visit as well. Yesterday, I had to leave after only a couple of hours because I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public so I had to hole myself with Jack up in a bedroom. Plus, seeing my cousin with her baby made me feel like a bad mommy. I realize that babies that are 3 weeks old compared to 5 months old are completely different. She was kissing, talking, playing and doing all kinds of things with her baby. When Jack is awake, which isn't for very long, I do all those things too, but for some reason, it looks so much more natural when my cousin does it.
Today, I thought the visit would go better because I brought Jack's bottle so I wouldn't have to worry about breastfeeding. I will explain why I am uncomfortable. First, I have to nurse with a nipple shield. Jack won't latch on to bare nipple. So that poses a challenge to get the shield on discreetly. Second, Jack can have a tendency to move around a lot nursing and he often times pulls the shield off. Again, not very discreet. Third, it's hard to try to arrange clothing or blankets so bare boob doesn't show. Plus I don't want to make others uncomfortable by nursing. There you have it.
Back to my story. I thought the visit would go better but no. Today, as I was changing Jack, he peed and pooped all over the changing station my aunt and uncle had set up. They had to change out the towel that was laid down. Sigh. I am sure stuff like this happens to all new parents but I can't help but wonder if my family thought I was a total baffoon. "Oh my God, look at her. She can't even change her baby right". Sigh sigh sigh.
I want to be a good mommy, but sometimes it doesn't feel natural to me. I love my baby more than life itself but I feel awful. I just don't feel adequate or like I am doing things right. I second guess every little thing. Should I be singing to him more? Should I quickly go grab a shower before he wakes up? Is putting him to sleep in his swing a bad thing? Why won't he stop crying?
I hope that I am not the only mom out there that feels this way. I compare myself to other moms. And when I do that, I feel completely inadequate. Maybe I should just become a recluse and not leave the house.
We went for a visit to my aunt and uncle's yesterday to meet my cousin's baby who is 5 months old. We actually went today to visit as well. Yesterday, I had to leave after only a couple of hours because I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public so I had to hole myself with Jack up in a bedroom. Plus, seeing my cousin with her baby made me feel like a bad mommy. I realize that babies that are 3 weeks old compared to 5 months old are completely different. She was kissing, talking, playing and doing all kinds of things with her baby. When Jack is awake, which isn't for very long, I do all those things too, but for some reason, it looks so much more natural when my cousin does it.
Today, I thought the visit would go better because I brought Jack's bottle so I wouldn't have to worry about breastfeeding. I will explain why I am uncomfortable. First, I have to nurse with a nipple shield. Jack won't latch on to bare nipple. So that poses a challenge to get the shield on discreetly. Second, Jack can have a tendency to move around a lot nursing and he often times pulls the shield off. Again, not very discreet. Third, it's hard to try to arrange clothing or blankets so bare boob doesn't show. Plus I don't want to make others uncomfortable by nursing. There you have it.
Back to my story. I thought the visit would go better but no. Today, as I was changing Jack, he peed and pooped all over the changing station my aunt and uncle had set up. They had to change out the towel that was laid down. Sigh. I am sure stuff like this happens to all new parents but I can't help but wonder if my family thought I was a total baffoon. "Oh my God, look at her. She can't even change her baby right". Sigh sigh sigh.
I want to be a good mommy, but sometimes it doesn't feel natural to me. I love my baby more than life itself but I feel awful. I just don't feel adequate or like I am doing things right. I second guess every little thing. Should I be singing to him more? Should I quickly go grab a shower before he wakes up? Is putting him to sleep in his swing a bad thing? Why won't he stop crying?
I hope that I am not the only mom out there that feels this way. I compare myself to other moms. And when I do that, I feel completely inadequate. Maybe I should just become a recluse and not leave the house.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Outside Baby Please!
I would like to preface this post by saying that of course, I want my baby to be perfectly healthy and because of that, I will hold out for another two (or three weeks) to make sure that he is. So no complaints about how I want my baby to come early. If you have ever been pregnant, I am sure you will understand the point of this post.
I am miserable. Seriously. I do not feel good at all. Not that my pregnancy has been a joy to begin with, but as it gets closer and closer to the end, I feel more and more gross. Tonight for example: My belly is so rock hard (I assume because of Braxton Hicks contractions) that it literally hurts. Every time this little guy moves, he bumps against my cervix and that hurts. I can't breathe, can't eat a lot because of severe stomach shrinkage and heartburn.
He is running out of room, that is evident. Evident from the way my lopsided belly looks, evident from the comments from my coworkers ("Oh my God, you are huge!"), evident by the way mommy feels in general.
It is getting very hard for me to walk. I don't think I have dropped yet and I haven't lost my mucous plug (ew!) so I don't think labor is coming any time soon. I can't walk because I have a 7.5-8.5 pound baby resting on my cervix. I can't walk because my feet are so swollen and painful that it hurts every step I take. I can't walk because my lungs are so squished that I pant and have to stop every third step.
I go to the doctor tomorrow for my 38 week appointment and I am hoping and praying for SOME progress. Something. Even a little effacement or dilation. I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed however. So I just need to be prepared for that.
I keep hoping that all my little symptoms are labor symptoms. I woke up last night feeling very crampy. So much so that it honestly felt like I was getting my period. Even though I know that's not possible, that is exactly what it felt like. I got out of bed and started pacing around the house like a lion because it was pretty uncomfortable. I was hoping and praying that labor was starting, but alas, here I sit.
Sometimes the pain and pressure are so bad that it takes my breath away and all I can do is sit out the pain and just breathe. I guess it's good practice for when I go into labor. As I type, he is resting on my cervix. Every little shift is like a lightning bolt of pain.
My coworker, who is due the day after me is currently at the hospital having her baby and I am very jealous. I have another two weeks to go. Again, I want el bambino to be healthy. So, I will tough it out. But honestly, I want an outside baby!
Should I resort to all the old wive's tales and start labor? I am torn because again, he will come when he is ready and I am afraid to force anything that isn't supposed to be. I do have a couple of recipes that are "sure fire labor starters". My husband has a friend who has a spaghetti recipe that induces labor and there is a cookie recipe I want to try. And of course there is always sex (unlikely to happen) and tons of walking.
I love you little Jack and hope you come soon! But don't come until you are healthy! Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you.
I am miserable. Seriously. I do not feel good at all. Not that my pregnancy has been a joy to begin with, but as it gets closer and closer to the end, I feel more and more gross. Tonight for example: My belly is so rock hard (I assume because of Braxton Hicks contractions) that it literally hurts. Every time this little guy moves, he bumps against my cervix and that hurts. I can't breathe, can't eat a lot because of severe stomach shrinkage and heartburn.
He is running out of room, that is evident. Evident from the way my lopsided belly looks, evident from the comments from my coworkers ("Oh my God, you are huge!"), evident by the way mommy feels in general.
It is getting very hard for me to walk. I don't think I have dropped yet and I haven't lost my mucous plug (ew!) so I don't think labor is coming any time soon. I can't walk because I have a 7.5-8.5 pound baby resting on my cervix. I can't walk because my feet are so swollen and painful that it hurts every step I take. I can't walk because my lungs are so squished that I pant and have to stop every third step.
I go to the doctor tomorrow for my 38 week appointment and I am hoping and praying for SOME progress. Something. Even a little effacement or dilation. I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed however. So I just need to be prepared for that.
I keep hoping that all my little symptoms are labor symptoms. I woke up last night feeling very crampy. So much so that it honestly felt like I was getting my period. Even though I know that's not possible, that is exactly what it felt like. I got out of bed and started pacing around the house like a lion because it was pretty uncomfortable. I was hoping and praying that labor was starting, but alas, here I sit.
Sometimes the pain and pressure are so bad that it takes my breath away and all I can do is sit out the pain and just breathe. I guess it's good practice for when I go into labor. As I type, he is resting on my cervix. Every little shift is like a lightning bolt of pain.
My coworker, who is due the day after me is currently at the hospital having her baby and I am very jealous. I have another two weeks to go. Again, I want el bambino to be healthy. So, I will tough it out. But honestly, I want an outside baby!
Should I resort to all the old wive's tales and start labor? I am torn because again, he will come when he is ready and I am afraid to force anything that isn't supposed to be. I do have a couple of recipes that are "sure fire labor starters". My husband has a friend who has a spaghetti recipe that induces labor and there is a cookie recipe I want to try. And of course there is always sex (unlikely to happen) and tons of walking.
I love you little Jack and hope you come soon! But don't come until you are healthy! Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you.
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