Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Happy Post

Not really. This is going to be a hard post for many to read, but it's my blog so I can write what I want.

Motherhood is hard. I knew this before I got pregnant, but what I didn't realize is how hard it would be. I had unrealistic expectations about how my "new" Mommy life would be.

I need to preface this by saying that I love my son more than life itself. I wouldn't change him or the fact that I have him for anything.

I sometimes miss parts of my old life. These days, I don't have time to read a book, cook dinner during the week or even take a bath. I was a selfish person before having a baby and I am sure I have a lot of that selfishness still in my persona. I literally have no time for myself. Since Jason works swing, I take care of Jack during the week after work. Add in an extremely fussy and unhappy baby, and it's very taxing. My child doesn't nap very well so I can't get anything done. He does sleep at night, but wakes every 90 minutes. I have "windows" of time to get anything done. I have to hold Jack most of his awake time so this is difficult to get anything done.

I sound awful don't I? I wish I had known before having a baby that there was a possibility that my baby wouldn't feel good most days and that he wouldn't nap for more than 30 minutes at a time. He wouldn't like being put down very much and when he is down, it's for a short period of time. It was a huge shock to me to have a baby that isn't on any sort of schedule.

It's not lazy parenting either. Don't try and say that I can put my child on a schedule because HE sets the schedule. He doesn't eat much at a time so he has to eat often. I can't force him to wait longer or drink more at meals. That just isn't happening. And I refuse to let my child cry it out at night to make him sleep longer either. He's waking up for a reason: He's hungry.

I did not expect these things when I got pregnant. Yes, I knew that my sleep and "me" time would be limited. But, I also was kind of hoping that I could have some parts of my old life too. I haven't gotten a massage since well before he was born. I have not gone out with friends at all. Not even to lunch or to see a movie. I am invited, but often times, I can't arrange childcare. I don't have time to garden. I used to have a huge, beautiful vegetable garden every summer. Not this year.

Where is my husband you ask? My husband is working when I am awake. When he's home from work and awake, I am sleeping. Yes, I receive help from him at night. He takes care of Jack so I can get my 7 hours of sleep (which is broken into segments by the way). I can't expect my husband to get up early so I can go galavanting with my friends. That isn't fair to him.

I am not sure what the point of this post is other than I miss some things. I miss being able to sit on the couch on Friday night, eat a leisurely dinner and read gossip magazines. I miss time with my friends. I miss sleeping in on the weekends.

But you know what? I chose this. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I also know it won't last forever. My child will eventually feel better, sleep through the night and maybe sleep past 5:00am so I can sleep in on the weekend.

I love Jack more than anything, but I also love me and I don't feel like I have nurtured myself at all. I need to take care of myself and people tell me this often. I might listen eventually. And when I can arrange a babysitter.

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