I have been caught up in a lot of weird emotions lately. Mostly, I am jealous. Why you ask? Because I am feeling like a big fat failure when it comes to being a mom. So I am jealous of all the moms out there that aren't big fat failures.
Breastfeeding
I envy women who don't have issues breastfeeding. I have had plenty. Undersupply, oversupply, baby not being able to latch, having to use a nipple shield for a month, having a baby that is so gassy from sucking in air while nursing. I could keep going. So when I see women that have no issues, I am jealous. At church on Easter, there was a baby that was nursing. The mom was nursing right in the front row. Even if I had no issues with supply, Jack would never stand for that. He thrashes and flails while nursing so I have had problems even attempting to nurse him in public. I have stopped nursing him because my supply can't keep up anymore. I am still pumping, but even then I can't keep up. The freezer stash is slowly being depleted.
Supermoms
I am jealous of moms that have babies who nap. The moms that have immaculately clean houses and who can make dinner. I can't. Jack naps for an hour or so in the morning and then cat naps the rest of the day. When he does nap, I use that opportunity to shower and grab something to eat. During his cat naps in the afternoon, I blog or check my email. I am no supermom. My house is messy (for me), I don't make dinner because this falls right in Jack's fussy time, and I am lucky if I put on a shirt that doesn't resemble a dirty t-shirt. I hate all the supermoms out there. Really I do.
Good Boy
Jack is generally a good baby. However, he spends the majority of his day being so gassy that I do nothing but pump his legs, burp him, try to distract him from the gas, and just patting his back. He isn't naughty by any means, but he's just not happy. Today he was pretty happy in the morning but guess what? The gas caught up with him. Now he's grumpy and sleepy but not napping. I am jealous of those moms who have babies that they can take anywhere, do anything with, are constantly smiling and happy. That isn't my baby. I love him more than life itself, but I just feel so bad for him. He isn't a happy boy. It's because he is gassy and in pain.
There you have it. My enlightening, happy post for the day!
you're not a failure by any means - every baby is different and every momma does her best to adapt to his/her needs. I too have a gassy baby and I feel so awful for him. We spend most of our evenings bouncing, burping, bicycling, etc... It doesn't end till he's asleep.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I also have breastfeeding issues - I just can't keep up with him so we're supplementing with formula. As time passes he's getting more and more formula and less of my milk. He'll probably be fully weaned in the next few weeks.
I could go on but my point is - this is how my baby works and I'm trying my best to adapt to his needs and you're doing exactly the same thing. Every day that he's alive and healthy is a success (yes, my house is a wreck and most days I don't get breakfast). Concentrate on the little things and know that it will get better as he gets older. Hang in there:)
*hugs* Rachel. Let me just tell you, a lot of the moms who you might think have everything under control probably don't. I think I sometimes appear to be a Supermom because I have that demeanor - but my house looks like it gets hit with daily tornadoes, and I'm doing rather poorly at work because I'm so distracted by motherhood. No one is ever quite as put together as appear!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Every day Jack is a little closer to being a little less dependent on you, and you get better at juggling everything, and yup it WILL get easier over time.