This is how I am feeling today in a nutshell. I feel like a bad mommy or an inept mommy. I haven't done anything in particular, it's just my self-esteem kicking in.
We went for a visit to my aunt and uncle's yesterday to meet my cousin's baby who is 5 months old. We actually went today to visit as well. Yesterday, I had to leave after only a couple of hours because I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public so I had to hole myself with Jack up in a bedroom. Plus, seeing my cousin with her baby made me feel like a bad mommy. I realize that babies that are 3 weeks old compared to 5 months old are completely different. She was kissing, talking, playing and doing all kinds of things with her baby. When Jack is awake, which isn't for very long, I do all those things too, but for some reason, it looks so much more natural when my cousin does it.
Today, I thought the visit would go better because I brought Jack's bottle so I wouldn't have to worry about breastfeeding. I will explain why I am uncomfortable. First, I have to nurse with a nipple shield. Jack won't latch on to bare nipple. So that poses a challenge to get the shield on discreetly. Second, Jack can have a tendency to move around a lot nursing and he often times pulls the shield off. Again, not very discreet. Third, it's hard to try to arrange clothing or blankets so bare boob doesn't show. Plus I don't want to make others uncomfortable by nursing. There you have it.
Back to my story. I thought the visit would go better but no. Today, as I was changing Jack, he peed and pooped all over the changing station my aunt and uncle had set up. They had to change out the towel that was laid down. Sigh. I am sure stuff like this happens to all new parents but I can't help but wonder if my family thought I was a total baffoon. "Oh my God, look at her. She can't even change her baby right". Sigh sigh sigh.
I want to be a good mommy, but sometimes it doesn't feel natural to me. I love my baby more than life itself but I feel awful. I just don't feel adequate or like I am doing things right. I second guess every little thing. Should I be singing to him more? Should I quickly go grab a shower before he wakes up? Is putting him to sleep in his swing a bad thing? Why won't he stop crying?
I hope that I am not the only mom out there that feels this way. I compare myself to other moms. And when I do that, I feel completely inadequate. Maybe I should just become a recluse and not leave the house.