I am still chugging along with breastfeeding. Jack does pretty well with it until about 5:00 or 6:00 at night. This is when my supply tanks so it makes sense that he gets frustrated and won't latch on. It's because there is probably no milk! So instead of fighting to get him to latch, we have started giving him a bottle of pumped milk. This makes me less stressed and Jack much happier. A happier baby = a happier Mommy.
I haven't used the shield in a very long time so finally Jack is able to latch without it. It makes breastfeeding a lot easier. I also have mastered (slowly but surely) nursing in front of people. I have nursed in front of my two best girlfriends (with their permission) as well as another new mommy Jenn. She is my friend who had a baby a couple of weeks after me. My next hurdle is to nurse in public somewhere, but I am super chicken and might not do this for quite some time.
The second part of this post is what no one tells you about motherhood. I have had a rough past couple of days. I don't know if it's post partum depression, baby blues or just normal stressors. Here is what you aren't told about mommyhood:
* You may not bond with your baby instantly. I thankfully did, but I have heard from a lot of women that they didn't bond or instantly love their baby. It took them several weeks.
* Breastfeeding is hard. Based on my previous laments, I am sure you have figured this out. If you are one of the lucky women that has absolutely no problem with it, I am jealous! If I had honestly known just how hard it would be, I never would have attempted it. I would have either exclusively pumped or just gone straight to formula.
* Motherhood is not fun. At least, not a lot of the time. It's incredibly difficult. I have been dealing with a very fussy baby who doesn't nap the past few days. I can't soothe him, he cries, he gets angry with me, he won't breastfeed, etc. The times when this happens, I am miserable. I feel like a terrible mom. When people ask me "Are you just having so much fun?", I lie and say "Oh yes, it's wonderful". It's not. Again, I love my child more than life itself, but most of the time, it's not fun. There are times during the day where it's fun, but when you have a screaming baby and you are crying because he is crying, it's just not fun. I pray a lot during the day.
* You will feel guilty. You will feel guilty about every decision you make, good and bad. You will feel guilty that you aren't having fun. You will feel guilty about some of the feelings that you have in your head.
I will probably get some angry comments about these next thoughts, but here goes:
* I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. I love Jack and wanted him so badly, but when you literally cannot get your baby to stop crying, a little thought goes through your head. It's a fleeting thought and it doesn't last very long thankfully.
* I sometimes miss being able to do what I want when I want. I knew this was going to happen, but the reality didn't hit home until I had him in my arms. No more quick trips to Target or the grocery store.
* I miss having one on one time with my husband. These moments are a lot more difficult when you are trying to care for a baby. The baby comes first, the husband comes second. I wish we could go out to dinner, or a movie or just lounge at home. We can, but it has to be very planned these days.
Please understand, I am new at this. These feelings will go away when Jack starts to settle into a routine and mommy settles into a routine. I love my child and hope that he loves me. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Jack is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I have moments throughout the day where I want to cry. It's very very hard. The hardest job you will ever have.