Two posts in one day! Wow! That hasn't happened in a very long time.
I had my first counseling session today. I really like the therapist I picked. I specifically found someone that specializes in post partum depression. It's almost embarrassing to admit, as a woman and a mother, that you have a problem to another woman. Finding a person to talk to that deals with other moms going through the same thing is very encouraging. I didn't feel like I needed to hide my feelings or worry what I was saying would offend or disgust her.
I unloaded. I said things outloud that I never thought I would imagine saying. This might be hard for some of you to read, but I often wonder if I ruined my life by having a baby. Jason and I wanted Jack very badly. We tried for 18 months to get pregnant so it wasn't like I was surprised or out of touch when it came to the needs of having a child. Did I ruin my life? I sometimes wish I could go back in time. The hardest thing that I said outloud today was that I often dread picking him up from daycare because I know he is going to be so fussy and I can't deal with it.
How horrible am I?
We also discussed the fact that I have intrusive thoughts. Not about harming myself or Jack but about terrible things happening. Like someone is going to break into the house at night and I won't be able to protect my baby. But usually the thoughts are much more terrible than that. And they scare me. Lindsay says this is anxiety, which surprised me. I thought these thoughts were normal, but I guess not.
I really felt good leaving her office. She validated me by telling me I made the right decision by seeking help. Most women don't because they are too ashamed.
In terms of my medication (I am on Celexa), I think it's helping. I still have some gross side effects, but I am noticing a difference. First, I don't dread picking Jack up every day. I actually look forward to it, fussiness and all. This weekend when he was crying and wouldn't nap anywhere but my arms, I normally would have gotten overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. This time, I relished holding and snuggling him and trying to make him feel better. I got a whole weekend of snuggle time with my baby. What could be better than that?
I realy do hope that I continue to feel better. Writing and talking has definitely helped.
You aren't horrible in having those thoughts...I had them everyday for awhile after having my baby. I can admit that I didn't even like him the first 8 weeks of his life. I also had thoughts of bad things happening. I had PPD/PPA (still am on meds) so bad I don't even remember some of the first few weeks of my son's life. I would say to my husband, "why did we have this baby? I want my old life back." It is the PPD talking..not you. My sister in law basically took care of him for awhile in the beginning. I would have panic attacks just driving over to pick him up. He had horrible colic, reflux, general feeding aversion...you name it. He was NOT a happy baby for the first 4 1/2 months of his life. I think that had a lot to do with how I felt too. You are lucky to have found a therapist that specializes in PPD, I couldn't find one in my area. You are definitely not alone!!
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