Mish Mash

Some things that are on my mind today.

* I am being very nostalgic today and this week about our little man turning 1. He officially turns 1 on Wednesday. I think back to Monday one year ago and what I was doing. At this very minute, I was relaxing in my hospital bed knowing that I would have a baby within the next day.

* I am still dreading the crib transition. We have a plan, but doesn't have any official date tied to it. Here is the plan: Go to Jack's one year pediatrician appointment. Determine if he's ready for whole milk. If he is, start transitioning to him to whole milk and off formula in the hopes that he eats a little bit better and POSSIBLY starts sleeping through the night. If he does, great! I think the crib transition will be much easier. If he doesn't STTN, then, well, I am not sure what exactly we will do. I don't agree with cry it out and neither does my husband. We might have to do a modified version of sleep training with no crying.
* I lost another 1 pound this week! I consider this an accomplishment since we went out to dinner on Saturday night and I indulged in tasty barbeque and even dessert! Sunday night I had birthday cake as well. I still stayed within my Points for the week, so I am not feeling like I cheated or overdid it.

* We only have one birthday present for the little man. It's a Radio Flyer Vintage Bumper Car, complete with bumper car-ish sounds. It's super cute! He won't be able to use it quite yet, so I need to find him something else.

* On Saturday, Jack stayed over at my in-laws for his second sleep over of his life. He did okay. I think my in-laws feel like if he isn't in bed with me, he is going to miraculously sleep through the night. Well guess what? He proved them wrong again. Mama on the other hand got too much sleep. Yes, you read that right. TOO MUCH SLEEP. I woke up late after sleeping for 10 hours and felt hungover. It took me three cups of coffee to wake up. I spent my day cleaning, relaxing and just hanging out at home.

* Little man is walking, walking, walking. I have some cute videos of him, so I might be posting those later. Oh dear, he looks sort of drunk and sort of like a zombie, but so stinkin' cute! Pretty soon he is going to be running and I am not ready for that!

That's about it for now. Gah! My boy is turning 1 in two.days. TWO DAYS!

I Miss My Boy

It's funny how things work. I sometimes wish for a full night of sleep without having to tend to Jack, but when I have that full night, I miss him.

Last night, my in-laws took Jack overnight. Jason and I celebrated my birthday with dinner out and then a night at home. I chose to take a bath with a magazine and turn in. I went to bed late (for me at least) in the hopes that I would fall asleep and sleep through the night. I mostly did. I woke up at 2:00 and 6:00 feeling extremely refreshed! To take full advantage of my situation, I went back to sleep and woke up for good at 7:45. Hello almost 10 hours of sleep!

But I am in a predicament. I miss Jack. I will be picking him up a little early today so we can play and I can get my snuggles in.

I missed him last night. He might wake up several times a night, but that's fine. He is only going to be a baby for a short time and I need to enjoy what little time we have left. We plan on transitioning him to his crib soon, so being in the moment is definitely important. I miss how he snuggles into me at night. I miss how he puts his arm on my neck when we are sleeping. He can't sleep unless he is touching me in some way. Knowing that I am right next to him is comforting to him.

I pray that he had a good night last night, and I hope Nana got some rest too.

Ouch

Two days in a row, I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I picked up Jack from childcare.

When I reached for him or picked him up, he cried and tried to get away from me. At one point, he even saw Karen and reached for her instead. Ouch!

He cried all the way to the car, the whole time I was buckling him in, and until I started the car and drove away.

I really hope this is because he likes to play at Karen's so much and not a reflection on me. He is always happy to see me, so I am thinking this is just a phase.

Some things are weighing heavy on my mind today. Baby related things, but I am not ready to talk to much about them yet. They are in relation to transitioning Jack to the crib and getting him weaned off the bottle. More to come on those things later, but I am definitely full of worry right now.

First Weigh In

Today was my first weigh-in with Weight Watchers to see how my eating and tracking is going. I was very confident going in because I didn't have any slip-ups this week.

My stats:

-3.2 pounds
Current weight 202.6

I decided that my extra PointsPlus that I am alotted every week is going towards things I enjoy, not just mindless eating. For example, I love flavored creamer in my coffee and these awesome chocolate donuts at Starbucks. Those are big treats for me, but I will plan my week and if I stay on track, I am able to indulge in these items a little.

Another trick that works well for me is to plan, plan, plan! I always plan my day of eating the night before and that way, I don't have any surprises.

My final trick to share is to cook in bulk. This weekend, I made a big batch of soup, a pot of whole wheat pasta and sauce, and cooked some chicken. This will get me through the week for many lunches and dinners. All I have to do is pop my pre-portioned meal into the microwave, and I have a hot dinner. This is a big deal for me since most of my meals are eaten one-handed or after the baby has gone to bed. I am trying to make a point of eating a meal every night, even if that means Jack has to play by himself or fuss for a few minutes.

Here's to another great week!

Fatty Fatty

Two by four, can't fit through the dressing room door. For those of you who know me in real life (IRL), you know I have always had issues with my weight. This is not a shock nor a surprise. Post baby, it is the same story. I was not one of those people who lost a lot of weight after having Jack and breastfeeding/pumping.

I know this is a baby blog, but my post partum weight can be a topic right?

I joined Weight Watchers today. It's time to do something about my weight. I lost almost 50 pounds a few years back on WW and kept it off for quite a while. Laziness, not tracking and just general not caring led me to gain all my weight back. I may or may not have actually put on a couple of more pounds - I will lean more towards may.

It's time to do something, so I am going to jump right in and do it! I was successful before, and I can be successful again.

My goal is not to blog about this too much. But, I will try and check in, much like I do with my PPD, often with my progress.

I can't believe I am going to do this, but I am going to post my starting weight. Gulp!

205.8 pounds.

Yes, you read that right. I told you I was a fatty! My short term goal is to lose 5% of my weight. If I can do that, I can make longer term goals.

Wish me luck on this exciting new journey! And if you try to sabotage me, I will cut you. Just sayin'.

Why I Quit The Bump

Besides time of course! I have had a couple of people ask me why I no longer post on The Bump or The Nest. I have lots of reason, besides having very little time (or desire).

It really started when my PPD got out of control. I would post on TB (The Bump) and get depressed. I have an issue with comparing to begin with, but it really got worse. I would try and compare Jack to the other babies and he would often times come up short. Not short in a bad way, because we all know that we moms love to embellish, but short in a way that made me uncomfortable.

I found my parenting styles and my baby more and more isolating. It was many of the same issues as I saw in real life: He had reflux, didn't eat on a normal schedule, didn't sleep well, didn't nap well, didn't EVER sleep through the night.

When you are constantly faced with posts about "She STTN at 4 weeks!", or "I love nursing", or "My baby smiles all the time", this gets very hard. I felt like Jack was not a happy baby (that was partially reflux related and partially my fault because of my depression) and something most certainly must be wrong with him.

I needed to stop comparing, and so the easiest way to do this was quit TB/TN. And guess what? I don't miss it. I don't know any of these women in real life, with the exception of a limited group of wonderful ladies that I still correspond with. If I want to talk to them, I have other means than TB/TN.

I have stopped comparing probably 80% of the time. My life is much more calm and I know my baby is happy, healthy, and growing just fine. His routine is just that: HIS routine, and no one else's. My parenting style is MY parenting style and I am happy with it.

The Bump can be a very catty place. God forbid you ask a stupid question, or post on the wrong board, and I know I have done both. Lord help you if you offend someone by speaking the truth or disagreeing with someone.

I am not trying to say that it's an entirely bad place. It's not. It's just not right for me anymore. I have other avenues of chatting or venting.

That is why I quit The Bump. My own insecurities and issues.

Will I go back? Probably not. I spent many years on there, starting with The Knot, and I can now step away and close that chapter in my life.

Jack is too Fussy

I am too sensitive. I already know this. It is something I need work on, but when I have had this trait since early childhood, it's hard to break. Here's an example of why I am too sensitive:

Yesterday I dropped Jack off at the church nursery like usual. When I left, he was happy and playing with the other baby. About 45 minutes later, I get paged. As I make my way down to the nursery, my only thought was "I bet he threw up".

When I got there, the coordinator said to me: "We just have too many babies and Jack is being too fussy and needy". Um what? Babies are needy. Babies can be fussy. I asked if they had fed him. They just had fed him and he had calmed down, but apparently I still needed to take him.

When I walked in to pick him up, he was fine. Not crying at all. As a matter of fact, there were other babies that WERE crying. Why was my son singled out?

If this is going to be a regular occurrence, I need to re-think my idea of going to this particular service. I can always watch the service from an adjacent room with Jack.

What bother me is this: Why was Jack singled out? I am sorry, but he is not too fussy. Yes, he CAN be fussy, but that's generally when he needs one of two things: Food or a nap. Maybe if they had just fed him like I instructed them when I dropped him off, he wouldn't have fussed.

It bothers me that Jack is always immediately labeled as fussy by others. *I* know he can be that way, but in all reality, is he any more fussy than other babies?

So tell me moms, would this bother you? Or am I being too sensitive?

Not Being Dumped

Just an update to my childcare provider post. Karen is not trying to dump Jack.

After a good conversation with my counselor (which involved the doormat topic, worrying about what others think of me and not wanting to insult others), she gave me some tools to bring up my concerns to Karen is a very non-offensive way.

Here is how the conversation with Karen went:

Me: I have been meaning to check in with you about how you feel everything is going. Do you think watching Jack is still a good fit for you? Do you need anything from me?

Karen: Yes, I think this is a good fit.

Pause. Pause. Pause.

Karen: Do YOU think this is a good fit?

Me: I do. Jack is really happy here. He's well taken care of and I know that he loves playing with your boys.

So there you have it. I think my question caught her off guard, hence the reason for the pause.

All is well and now I can stop worrying. I should post a whole topic about my Worry Box another time. It's an assignment from counseling. 'Nuff said.

Being Dumped

I don't mean from my husband (so dramatic), but possibly from our daycare provider. I just have this hunch.

Yesterday was Jack's first day back after a two week vacation. Karen seemed happy to see him. I warned her that he was teething, fussy and had a bad diaper rash. This is not something that she is unfamiliar with. She has three boys of her own and Jack has been with her since he was 4 months old.

When I picked him up, she seemed........well, off. She seemed tired, and I didn't get a full report of his day like I usually do. I asked if he was fussy and she said "Medium-ish". Maybe she has some stuff going on at home. Maybe she is just tired. I am not really sure.

This morning, I went to drop Jack off at his normal time. When I got there, she let me know that she thought she was coming down with a stomach bug and it was probably safter if I kept Jack home for the day. This is not a huge deal, but it did mean I needed to call in sick which I don't like to do.

Is this her way of telling me that my kiddo is being dumped? I sure hope not. I am probably being overdramatic but I just have this feeling. Let's hope I am wrong. More to come tomorrow.

Poop Issues

I wish I was writing this post about myself, because, let's face it, it would be funny to write a whole post about MY poop issues. Not that I have any. But no, this is about the boy's poop issues.

I thought his poop issues were from teething. This wouldn't be abnormal. When he first started teething, he got a diaper rash and was pooping a lot and it was watery. Not diarrhea, just watery. The next day, his first tooth popped through.

With all the drooling and sucking and chewing that the wee one is doing, I think he's teething. But, then there's the poop. He is pooping a lot. A whole lot. Like 7 or 8 times a day a lot. And because of this, he has an awful diaper rash. No amount of Aveeno Oatmeal bath and Desitin or any other butt paste is helping. And besides the large quantity of poop, there is the smell. It feels like a seafood restaurant sometimes. Fish. Fish in the diaper when we don't feed him fish.

And tonight, the final weird symptom: Snotty diaper. It looked like someone sneezed into his diaper. Uncle! I called the on-call doctor.

What gives? I thought this was teething but now I am thinking that it could be the new formula. Not totally and completely new, but new as in three weeks new. Wouldn't the poop issues have started occurring earlier if it was the formula?

It's not new food. He hasn't gotten any new solid food in the last few days.

I am hoping this poor child gets some relief soon because the screaming and asking for "Dada" during diaper changes is enough to break my heart. Added to the fact that he can't even sit down in the tub. It's pathetic to watch your kiddo playing with toys in the tub while on his knees.

It is now 8:18 and the on-call doctor was supposed to call me back by now.

Damn poop. Damn on-call doctor. Maybe tomorrow will bring some relief from the poop and rash ass. Poor baby.

Eleven Months Old

Buggy, in one month, you will be a whole year old. I can't believe it! You have had a rough month little dude. You are teething like crazy, and you are not one of those babies that teethes easily. You have been very fussy and want to be held a lot. Which is certainly not a problem for me.

This last month flew by like a blink of an eye. Christmas, New Years and a vacation for Mommy made our time really special. You have had a lot of firsts this month:

* You are taking lots of steps. You are still cruising around furniture, but also are taking unassisted steps.

* You went to OMSI for the first time.

* You said "Mama" for the first time, as well as "Nana".

* You waved bye-bye for the first time intentionally last week.

* You are starting to clap. Most babies have clapped by now, but you wanted to make sure the time was right.

* You are starting to recognize music and dance up and down when you hear it. It's too stinkin' cute!

I am pretty sure you have grown about 5 inches this last month. Most of your pants are getting too short. Time to go up to 18 months!

I can't believe that I now have a toddler! You make Daddy and I so proud. You are so energetic and active and constantly keep us laughing. Little Man, you are just so special. Every time I hold you while you fall asleep, I stroke your hair or the side of your face and just thank God for what a blessing you are.

We love you Jack Emmett!