Saturday, January 2, 2010

My Fears

Besides having the normal fears of my baby being sick or something going wrong with the delivery, I have other fears. It's very hard to talk about them so bear with me.

I am fearful that my mother-in-law is going to love our baby more and is more excited than I am. Don't get me wrong, I already love him and am excited to be his mommy, but when every conversation with her revolves around the baby and thinking about what to be called as a grandmother, I worry. I have never done this before so my excitement is mostly masked by anxiety and nervousness. She cannot wait to be a grandmother. She has wanted grandbabies for as long as Jason and I have been together. I think she cried more than I did after I miscarried.

I am fearful that I am going to be a bad mother. I know next to nothing about how to take care of a baby. I haven't held many babies, haven't changed many diapers (especially in the last 12 years), and don't know what to do to soothe a crying baby. I can read books and watch videos but that doesn't tell you how to take care of *your* baby. My baby could be different than others and what if I don't know how to calm him down?

I am fearful that my husband and I won't have any relationship anymore. We hardly see each other as it is (different schedules) and I worry that by adding a baby into the picture, we will never see each other and that time will be spent talking or taking care of the baby. I get very emotional thinking that our lives will never be the same and it won't be just Jason and I anymore.

I am fearful that other people are going to take better care of my baby than I will. For example, what if my mother-in-law or my friend can get him to stop crying but I can't? They have had kids before so they have more experience. But how devastating would it be to think you have failed as a mother?

Everyone keeps telling me that my maternal instinct will kick in as soon as the baby is born, but what if it doesn't? What if I don't know what to do? I will have a lot of help, and for that I am grateful. I just hope that I am not a complete failure as a mother.

All I can really do is to prepare myself as best as possible and pray that everything will work out. This is the single biggest and most important thing that I am going to do in my life so I better not screw it up.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand and respect your concerns. However, I think you will be plesantly surprise by how instinctual things will become for you. I'm expecting my first baby too and am crazy anxious and excited, but I rest fully assured in my motherly instincts and guidance from my mother circle for those thing I don't know.

    Try to let go of the anxiety and enjoy your pregnany journey b/c its a forever short one. Feels like a long time but before we know it, we've got a baby in our arms. I think you're going to be just fine.